


Pieces of a Shattered Mind

by Astro_cat13



Category: Captain America (Movies), Iron Man (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe, Spider-Man (Tom Holland Movies), Spider-Man: Into the Spider-Verse (2018)
Genre: BAMF Peter Parker, Background Relationships, Brainwashed Peter Parker, Bucky Barnes Recovering, Everyone Has Issues, Homeless Peter Parker, Hurt Peter Parker, Hydra Peter Parker, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, Mentioned Skip Westcott, Ned Leeds is a Good Bro, Not Captain America: Civil War (Movie) Compliant, Peter Parker Has Issues, Peter Parker Needs a Hug, Protective May Parker (Spider-Man), Self-Worth Issues, Suicidal Thoughts, Tony Stark Has Issues, things get better I promise
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-04
Updated: 2020-09-28
Packaged: 2021-03-01 05:21:04
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 12
Words: 41,728
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23479873
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Astro_cat13/pseuds/Astro_cat13
Summary: Peter could still remember going to the Stark Expo, riding on his father’s shoulders so he wouldn’t miss anything. He remembers his mother’s smile as he rambled about how incredibly amazing all the inventions are, how one day he wants to be a scientist just like Mr. Stark.Peter remembers the overwhelming joy that rushed through his body as he peered through the eye-holes of his Iron Man mask and watched Mr. Stark appear onstage and introduce these insanely awesome drones to the public.He remembers how quickly that joy turned to horror as the drones started attacking the crowd.And now, sitting on the floor in the cold HYDRA cell that he was supposed to call his home, Peter can remember being saved by his hero.It turns out that was one of the many terrible things to happen that day.Because what’s the point of staying alive if your life is hell anyway?
Relationships: James "Bucky" Barnes & Peter Parker, May Parker (Spider-Man) & Peter Parker, Ned Leeds & Peter Parker, Peter Parker & Tony Stark
Comments: 133
Kudos: 1126
Collections: ellie marvel fics - read, hydra peter parker





	1. Memory

No matter how hard Peter Parker tried to forget, he could still remember that day. 

He could remember begging his parents for weeks to take him to the Stark Expo, because “Look, Mom! He’s so cool and he can fly around and makes cool inventions and he MADE A NEW ELEMENT can we PLEASE go see him?”

He could remember going there, riding on his father’s shoulders so he wouldn’t miss anything. He remembers his mother’s smile as he rambled about how incredibly COOL all the inventions are, how one day he wants to be a scientist just like Mr. Stark. 

Peter remembers the overwhelming joy that rushed through his body as he peered through the eye-holes of his Iron Man mask and watched Mr. Stark appear onstage and introduce these INSANELY AWESOME drones to the public.

He remembers how quickly that joy turned to horror as the drones started attacking the crowd. 

The feeling of panic when he realized his parents were nowhere to be seen. 

The feeling of utter pain when he found his parents lying on the ground, stiff and lifeless. The feeling of loneliness. The feeling of hopelessness. 

Peter can close his eyes and clearly see himself, at six years old, accepting death as he holds his outstretched palm out to blast the bad guy that appeared in front of him. 

He could be brave. Like Iron Man. 

Peter remembers the feeling of shock as cold, metal hands lifted him out of the way before the drone was blasted to pieces. 

“Nice work, kid.” 

Iron Man had saved him. Tony Stark had saved his life. 

And now, sitting on the floor in the cold HYDRA cell that he was supposed to call his home, Peter is starting to wish that didn’t happen. 

Because what’s the point of staying alive if your life is hell anyway? 

\--------------

Peter spent a lot of time thinking. There really wasn’t a lot other to do when he wasn’t needed for training or testing. 

He didn’t like testing. He really didn’t like testing. They’d been doing tests regularly since Peter had arrived at HYDRA, a little over a year ago. 

When he first got there, they had injected him with a strange liquid. They called it the ‘serum.’ When Peter thinks about it, it's almost as if he can still feel his body burning, like it did when he was given the serum. He really didn’t like that. 

They threw him back in his cell, his body still feeling like it was on fire, and left him for days. 

The third day was when Peter realized that he was sitting on the ceiling. That had been really weird. 

When the scary people came back to check on him, they found that he was alive. They seemed happy, Peter thought. Smiling means happy. 

Peter can remember the harsh sounds of their voices, how the tones that were supposed to be soft and soothing hurt his ears. Why was everything so loud? 

“Come here, little spider. We’re not going to hurt you.” 

The light that filtered in from the open door was blinding to his sensitive eyes. Peter had tentatively climbed down the rough, cold metal wall of the room. He was so hungry. 

Peter was about to ask for food when one of the men inside the room picked him up. 

They brought him to the lab and did tests.

Peter hated tests. They always hurt so much. 

\--------------

Today was a testing day. At this point, Peter had gotten pretty used to it.

Don’t struggle, let them take the tissue samples they want, and it doesn’t hurt any more than necessary. 

Those were the rules.

When he and the guard arrived at his cell, Peter immediately noticed something off.

There was a man in his cell. 

He was tall and had dark brown hair that covered part of his face. The look in his eyes was cold and calculating. It was analyzing every detail of information being given. He seemed almost inhuman, although Peter supposed he wasn’t entirely human either anymore. 

This man was terrifying.

He had a metal arm. 

“Spider, this is Soldier. He is going to train you.” 

Training? What did that mean? 

The guard left and the man continued to stare blankly. 

Peter went to sleep. 

\--------------

The man had gone on a mission again. Every time the man leaves the cell, Peter hears screaming.

It can’t be the man screaming. Peter screams when the agents cut him open to take samples. 

The man isn’t weak like Peter. 

During training this man is harsh. He doesn’t accept anything less than perfection from Peter. 

Peter hears the man speak during training. His voice is low and gravelly. Almost soothing.

A lot of the time, an agent trains him, and there are always guards present when they let the Soldier train him. Peter doesn’t know why, it’s not like this man talks to him when they are alone anyway. 

Peter is pulled out of his thoughts by the sound of the heavy metal door swinging open. 

The Soldier walked through, followed by a guard. 

As soon as the guard left, the Soldier looked Peter in the eyes, an intense look plastered on his face. 

“Kid,” The Soldier muttered in a soft voice. Peter noticed the desperation in his tone. “Do you remember your past? I mean, your life before this place. Your name.”

Peter looked at the man blankly and nodded. ‘Yes,’ he wanted to say. ‘Too clearly.’ 

“Good.” The Soldier seemed genuinely relieved. “Don’t forget. I don’t want that for you.” 

The Soldier then muttered something under his breath that even Peter couldn’t make out. It sounded like he said something about a ‘stee-vee,’ but that made no sense. 

They both sit in silence until they were both startled out of their thoughts by the sound of the metal door creaking open. Peter flinches as the doctor that cut him open on a regular basis walked into the room. The Soldier looks at Peter with an expression that could almost be ...concern? 

No, that couldn’t be right. 

This man was stone-cold and emotionless. The picture of a perfect soldier. He couldn’t be concerned for Peter.

Peter and the Soldier both automatically stand as the doctor enters the cell. 

“Relax, little spider. You have been training for some time now, and it is going well. We believe that you are ready to accompany the Winter Soldier on a minor mission.”

It was true. Peter was doing well in his training. He had lost track of the number of agents he had killed as practice. Only under the orders of his superiors, of course. Peter didn’t even want to imagine the kind of punishment doing something like that to a HYDRA employee without orders would earn him. 

The doctor leads the Soldier and Peter to a large room with a chair in the middle. Peter looks over at the Soldier to see if he knows what is going on, and he looks pale. 

Wordlessly, the doctor leaves Peter with a different agent that he did not know. Peter and the guard watch as the doctor leads the Soldier to the chair. The Soldier looks resigned, and the look of utter hopelessness stretched across his features makes Peter feel uneasy. 

“Pay attention, Spider.” The Doctor was smiling. “Soon, your training will advance and you will get to sit in this chair and go on missions, just like the Soldier.” 

The guard next to Peter seemed to be amused by this notion. “You think the kid’ll get Words too, doc?” 

The hopelessness on the Soldier’s face turns to panic at the mention of the Words. 

“Definitely,” the doctor smiles at Peter again and it gives him a sick feeling. The doctor runs a soft hand on the side of the Soldier’s face, as if he was an animal. “They’re very effective. Just wait and see.”

The Soldier’s eyes grow wide, but then darken in acceptance. “No! No, please-”

His small-sounding voice is cut off by a rubber device being shoved into his mouth as another device clamps around his head and face. The chair whirrs to life and the Soldier starts screaming in pain

So the screaming was the man this whole time. 

Seeing the Soldier display such emotion is unlike anything Peter has seen from him before, and it is terrifying. 

It is then that the doctor begins to use the Words, a method of control that Peter would very soon learn to fear with all the power in his body. He sees a blood-red book with a lone black star on the middle of the cover in the hand of the man who was now advancing on the super-soldier's almost pitiful form. The doctor flips the book open and starts reading, projecting his voice over the noise of the machine and the screaming. 

“Longing” 

The Soldier begins to struggle harder against his restraints. Peter twists the material of his shirt hem between his fingers. 

“Rusted”

The Soldier gets more desperate. Peter could never have imagined him to be so human. 

“Seventeen”

The Soldier’s chest rises and falls at an alarming rate. Peter can feel his own breathing quicken at the idea that this would most definitely be him later in his life. 

“Daybreak”

The Soldier is beginning to give up his struggle. Peter can feel tears pool in his eyes and quickly blinks them away. Crying is for the weak. 

“Furnace”

The expression on the doctor’s face is disgustingly full of pure enjoyment. Peter wonders if he looks like this when slicing his skin open for tests. 

“Nine” 

Peter just wants this to end. When will it end?

“Benign”

The ordeal seems to continue forever. The screams of the Soldier grow weak and raspy. 

“Homecoming”

Think of before. Don’t forget. Oh, God. Is this why the Soldier can’t remember?

“One”

When this happened to Peter, and it would happen to him, would he forget too? Peter closes his eyes. The guard jabs him in the shoulder and barks at him to watch. 

“Freight car”

The Soldier falls silent and his eyes snap open. The doctor smirks at him. 

“Soldier?” 

Peter can see it in the Soldier’s eyes. He is lost. 

“Ready to comply.” 

\--------------

The Soldier doesn’t talk as they get their mission assignment. 

Peter doesn’t talk much either, just a ‘Yes, sir’ when prompted. They are to eliminate a Shield agent who has been talking about things he shouldn't be. Simple enough for a first mission. 

He is scheduled to give a talk at a museum. Peter and the Soldier are not to linger in the museum after the job is done. They will go back to a hotel room and await further instructions. 

The agent that is speaking to them makes one thing very clear, though.

They are not to read any of the information in the museum. Everything in there is fake anyway, so why would they want to? They weren’t even allowed to enter the museum. They didn’t need to, since the talk was being given outdoors. 

The punishment for disobedience would be most severe. 

Peter and the Soldier get into the back of a van and sit in silence. Peter tries to eliminate his nerves by counting. 

Thirty-seven, Thirty-eight, Thirty-nine, 

Oh God. What if he has to kill. Well, obviously they would have to kill the man. But, what if there’s a witness? What if the witness is a child? Peter does not want to kill a child-

Relax. 

Breathe.

Forty, Forty-one, Forty-two, 

The Soldier is looking at him. Peter avoids his gaze and plays with the hem of his shirt. 

Suddenly, the van comes to a stop and the doors open. 

“Be in front of the hotel tomorrow morning. 4:30.” 

Peter is frozen. The sun shines down on him from a blue sky. He can see the green of the treetops and hear people. He can hear people talking, laughing, yelling. There are dogs barking, birds chirping. Peter hasn’t seen anything like this in years. 

How long had he been in HYDRA? 

Cold, metal suit. Kind of like the Soldier’s arm. Screaming, drones, his parents, “Nice work, Kid”.

That’s right. Since he was six. 

The question was, how old was Peter now? 

Peter flinches as the Soldier wordlessly grabs his wrist and pulls him out of the van. 

\--------------

The hotel smells funny. 

It smells clean, but not clean like the lab. 

The lady at the desk smiles at him, and Peter hesitantly smiles back. The soldier grabs his wrist and drags him to the elevator. Peter looks at the floor as the big box carries him to their floor. He has to focus. They have a job to do. 

They get to their room and once the door is closed, the Soldier still doesn’t let go of Peter’s wrist. He brings Peter’s hand up, and examined the bandages that the doctor had put on the neat squares of flesh that simply aren’t there. 

Peter hates lab days. They had one the day before, and his skin still hurt all over where they took samples. 

The soldier wordlessly drops Peter’s hand and turns around. 

“When we get there this afternoon,” The Soldier’s voice sounds different. Emptier. “You pretend to be my son. I’m taking you to see the new exhibit.” 

Peter nods. “Got it,” he says when he realizes the man isn’t facing him and couldn’t see his nod. “I just uh- have to go to the bathroom.” 

Peter walks into the bathroom and closes the door, making sure not to lock it. They weren’t allowed to have locks at HYDRA, so Peter didn’t want to risk it here. 

The water that comes from the tap is cold and refreshing as Peter splashed it on his face. Peter guiltily drinks some of the water from the tap. He knows he should be content with whatever HYDRA is generous enough to give him, but he’s so thirsty. 

The tap turns off and Peter looks up, freezing at the sight of his reflection in the mirror. He’s taller and thinner. His hair is a mess of brown curls, and his skin is pale.

He looks older. 

Peter can’t take the sight of himself anymore. He rushes out of the bathroom. 

\--------------

A few hours later, Peter and the Soldier are at the museum. The pouring rain makes it hard for them to see as they station themselves a good distance from where the man is going to be. 

Then, they wait. 

After they wait for half an hour, the Soldier announces that they were going to go closer to the building and try to see why the man wasn’t coming out of the building. It was a risky plan, but not necessarily against the rules so Peter agreed. As they approach the museum, they see their target through one of the many windows, already giving his talk.

The Soldier approaches the doors of the museum. 

Remembering the administrator’s words, Peter freezes. 

“We can’t,” Peter stammers in a small voice as the Soldier puts a hand on the handle of the door. “We’ll be punished.”

The Soldier looks Peter in the eye and whispers “We must complete the mission.”

He enters the museum.

Peter follows. 

Peter sits on one of the benches in the lobby, intending to wait until the man was done with his talk so they could do the job without witnesses. They were told not to draw attention to themselves.

Peter remembers the hissing voice of the agent who had given them the assignment. 

“No witnesses.” 

Peter starts internally panicking when he saw the Soldier examining one of the older exhibits.

They were so screwed. 

They were actually so screwed. They had disobeyed direct orders twice. HYDRA had eyes everywhere, they were going to be in SO much trouble. 

Peter makes his way over to the Soldier, who is looking at a picture of a skinny blonde soldier who seems to be the center of this display.

‘Captain Steve Rogers,’ Peter reads before he can help himself, ‘pre-serum.’

That didn’t make sense. Was this Rogers guy like them? No, only Hydra had this kind of power. These are only lies, as the doctor had warned them. 

“Come on, we have to leave. We have to do the job. We’re going to be in so much-”

The Soldier’s gravelly voice cuts through his own. 

“That’s Steve. It’s Stevie.”

Somehow, Peter’s curiosity begins to outweigh the terror he had been feeling previously. “Who’s Steve?” 

Despair flashed for a second in the Soldier’s eyes. “I don’t know.” 

The Soldier snapped out of his trance as he looked over to the podium where the target had been giving his speech. 

“Shit. He’s gone.” 

Peter looked across the museum, sensing the agent’s voice with his enhanced hearing. Spotting him talking to a woman near the front doors, Peter quickly pulled the gun out of the Soldier’s bag. 

“What-”

Ignoring the Soldier, Peter aims and shoots.

The bullet goes right into the target’s head. 

\--------------

They are back at the HYDRA facility, and the agents are preparing to put the Soldier back into the chair. Peter is nervously standing next to a different guard than last time. 

Suddenly, just as they are about to sit him down, the Soldier speaks up. 

“Who’s Steve?” 

His voice sounds so weak and broken. The administrator’s face curls in rage at the question and he forces the Soldier into the chair. 

Peter had never seen the administrator show emotions like this before. 

The Soldier, resigned, opens his mouth for the plastic mouth-guard. 

Peter stiffens as someone calls him. 

“Spider, come over here.” The doctor is speaking over the machine. Peter obeys. 

The doctor’s face shows an emotion that Peter can’t place. The hands that have hurt him so many times are placed on his shoulders, and he is struggling to maintain a straight face. 

“Spider, this has proven that the Soldier is a bad influence on you,” the doctor snarls.

“You have too much potential to be corrupted by him. We have given you the experimental serum, trained you, and this is how you repay us?” Peter frantically shakes his head. “It’s okay, Spider. I know this wasn’t your fault. Come with me, you’re being reassigned.”

Peter obeys.

It is the last time he sees the Soldier.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for taking the time to read this chapter. I will probably update this work sometime next week, but please let me know if you'd be interested in faster updates.
> 
> As always, kudos and feedback are appreciated. (Criticism included. We all learn from our mistakes.) Please take care of yourselves! <3
> 
> Update: I made a tumblr, so come talk to me if that's something you want to do! It's [Astro_cat13](https://astro-cat13.tumblr.com)


	2. Fear

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Peter hadn't realized how much having the Soldier around had kept him sane. Or, at least relatively sane. Life in Hydra alone was so much worse than when he had someone else with him.

Peter didn’t like the new facility.

After the Soldier glitched, Peter had been moved to a different facility where he could receive better training.

If he had thought that he didn’t like lab days, well, this was worse. 

So much worse. 

He could barely remember the Soldier. 

The agents had started using the chair on Peter, just like they had with the Soldier. Peter really didn’t like that chair. That chair is where he sat as his free will was stripped from him. That chair is where he sat before HYDRA used him to kill. 

The worst part was that he could remember all of his targets.

He remembered everything, except for things that he wanted to.

Now he went on missions regularly in addition to his testing. Because of what had happened years ago with the Soldier at the museum, they monitored him constantly. 

HYDRA watched as he slept.

HYDRA watched as he eliminated his targets.

HYDRA watched as the new agent called Agent Westcott entered Peter’s cell. They watched for months as the man who had told Peter to call him Skip took the one thing from Peter that HYDRA had not yet managed to. 

Now Peter was being punished for killing said Skip Westcott. 

He hadn’t been a high ranking member of HYDRA, so Peter got off with half an hour of waterboarding and extra training.

It had been worth it. 

\--------------

Peter was exhausted. The added training had taken a toll on him. 

Before he could drift into unconsciousness, he felt a prickling sensation on the back of his neck. Peter lifted his head as a guard approached his cell door. 

“Mission.” 

The command is simple enough. Peter gets to his feet and allows the guard to lead him to his handler’s office. Agent Keller. The mere sight of her forces Peter to suppress a shudder. The guard leaves them and Keller hands him his uniform. A skintight black suit. 

So this would be a stealth mission. 

Peter quickly strips his clothes off and slips on the bodysuit, not bothering to shield his numerous scars from the agent.

It was nothing she hadn’t seen before. 

Keller handed him a bag with a HYDRA issued gun and some knives, among other weapons he may end up needing. Previously, Peter had worked up the courage to attempt to convince the agent to allow him to build a weapon for himself. He had been thinking about it for years. A mechanism to shoot fluid from his wrists that would turn to webbing and ensnare his targets. Peter had so many different ideas, and keeping them inside his head was killing him. He just needed some materials and time to experiment with the formula for his web fluid. 

After all, if they were going to call him a spider, he might as well have some fun with it. 

Agent Keller had said no. Webs don’t kill the enemies of HYDRA. 

Peter picked up the bag and followed Keller to what was becoming his least favorite room in the facility. 

Because at least with testing he can still think and feel.

And remember.

Peter has noticed that after being put in the chair, he has trouble remembering his past. He thinks he had parents, so what happened?

During long nights in the cell, Peter closes his eyes and tries his best to remember. It works sometimes. 

“Nice work, kid.” 

Peter snaps out of it as he feels the cold metal of the chair beneath his fingers. He opens his mouth to accept the rubber mouthguard. As the machine clamps his face, Peter loses himself to the pain. 

“Not.”

(That’s Not what I told you to do, Spider.) Peter can close his eyes and vividly see the memory that comes with each word. He hates this.

“Move.” 

(Stop moving and take what’s coming to you, Petey.) No, it’s okay. He’s dead. He’s dead. We killed him.

“Quiet.” 

(Hmm, even after taking a life he’s still so Quiet.) It was like the agent was tearing him apart, piece by piece, until he was nothing. 

“Steel.”

(This Steel around your wrists is going to become a very familiar sensation if you don’t stop) Peter is nothing. We have to obey.

“Eight.”

(I’ve known you for almost Eight years, and this is how you repay me?) No. Please stop. 

“Free.”

(No matter what, we will have your mind. Even if you do get out of here alive, which you won’t, you will never really be Free.) Peter could hear a faint buzzing in his ears. Where was he?

“Spider?” 

Peter’s senses skyrocket. That’s a superior. That’s a superior, he has to-

“Ready to comply.” 

He listens to the woman. He will do as she commands. It is his purpose. She shows him a picture. 

“Ann Fitzpatrick. She knows too much.” 

Peter analyzes the picture. The woman in the picture almost feels familiar somehow. 

Her face- she was one of the agents when he was really little. Peter remembers her. She didn’t hurt him as often as the other agents, but that wasn’t saying much. 

The mission was simple enough, Peter thought as he got into the back of the van. He loses track of the amount of time that passes as they drive. 

Finally, the door opens. The driver hands him a metal earpiece. It falls into Peter’s hand noiselessly.

“Keep that in. If you turn it off, there will be consequences.” 

Peter nods and puts the device in his ear. There is an unfamiliar voice talking to him. 

“Spider, signal as soon as the job is done for extraction.” 

Peter takes off into the night, following the directions coming to him from the voice. He mainly stays on the rooftops of the buildings, the dark color of his suit blending in with the night. Eventually, he reaches the roof of an apartment building and the voice in his ear signals for him to stop. 

“She’s in there. Climb down the wall to your left.” 

Peter obeys, stopping at a window when instructed. Right. He could do this. He stuck his hands to the window and yanked them up.

It was locked. 

Peter took a deep breath, closed his eyes, and slammed the sole of his shoe against the glass. 

So much for being inconspicuous. Oh, well. 

He just had to get the job done. 

Peter slipped into the building, not cutting himself on any glass. 

He is stopped in his tracks as he stares into the eyes of a familiar woman. 

The target. 

Peter pulls one of the knives he had been provided out of his pocket. The woman was dead before she knew what was happening. 

Peter exits the apartment through the broken window after burning the body to ashes in the bathtub.

No evidence.

\--------------

Peter makes his way back to the spot where the driver of the van was supposed to pick him up. As the expected van approaches, the comms buzz to life. The sound is broken and staticy.

And frantic. 

“Code S! I repeat: Code S! The Avengers have infiltrated the facility!”

No. That couldn’t be right.

“Requesting backup! Agents down! Agents Smith, Yakov, Moller, and Keller down! I repeat-”

Static. 

Peter has to get back there! He has to-

The report replays in his head. 

Keller

If Keller was dead, did that mean he could be Free? Peter shudders even thinking that Word.

Could he have his own thoughts and feelings? Maybe even learn and sleep in a soft bed?

It seemed almost too good to be true. 

Peter told himself that he was getting into the van, and they were going to take him back to the base. He’s a weapon, a tool. It’s his purpose.

Without them, he’s nothing.

Peter steps off the curb as the van pulls up. Instead of going around to the back, Peter opens the passenger side door. 

The agents look confused.

Then, their eyes glaze over.

Peter pulls his knives out of the corpses that belonged to HYDRA agents until moments ago. 

He wipes them on his uniform, replaces them in his bag, and runs off into the night.

\--------------

The sun had started rising an hour ago. Peter was wandering around the city, clutching his bag of supplies to his chest. He had to get to a computer. 

He came across a library and entered, the librarian at the desk giving him a weird look. 

That’s right, he’s basically only wearing black spandex. That’s great. Peter looked in his bag for the civilian clothing they allow him to carry on missions ‘just in case.’ 

He wants to start over. 

Peter slips into the bathroom and replaces his dirty uniform with his t-shirt and torn jeans. He leaves the bathroom and sits at a computer, powering it on. 

Making quick work of the weak firewalls in place, Peter easily gets into the CPS files. 

He knew he probably wouldn’t have a file. All he could remember after the Expo was waking up at the facility, so no one would be looking for him. Anyone who had known him before probably thought he was dead. 

He is shocked to find a file labeled with his name. 

He is fifteen years old. Huh. That’s a nice number. 

The file said that Peter Parker was staying with his maternal aunt, Ann Fitzgerald.

A dead woman. 

A woman that he killed a couple hours ago. 

Peter takes the woman’s email address from the file and puts it on an application for Midtown School of Science and Technology.

\--------------

School is important, Peter rationalizes. It would be less suspicious when he had to live on the streets for him to have somewhere to be during the day. 

Also, there happened to be a school that specialized in science and technology, which were Peter’s passions. And getting an okay-ish job in the future would be a little easier if he had a high school education. 

But that was irrelevant. He wouldn't live long enough to have a career. What was he thinking?

So naturally, with some strategic lying and identity theft on the application forms, Peter was allowed to take the entrance exam. 

This was all done in an amazingly short period of time, thanks to some feeble excuses on Peter’s end. 

Or should he say, Miss Fitzpatrick’s. 

He couldn’t take too long. They would realize that the woman was missing sooner or later. 

Considering his extremely high scores on the entrance exams and his ‘living situation’, the school had offered Peter a full scholarship. (In an email to the principal Peter had casually mentioned that his aunt was currently unemployed, which technically was true because a dead woman couldn’t have a job).

And this is how Peter Parker found himself walking through the doors of a high school less than three days after murdering a woman while he was unwillingly under the control of an evil organization.

Great.

\--------------

School was better than Peter had hoped. It really was. 

He had made his first friend ever, Ned Leeds. At school, no one was trying to cause him harm. (Well, except for Flash, but Peter had dealt with HYDRA agents for Eight years, so he could deal with it.) 

School was good. School was safe. Peter could act his age. He could pretend that his life was normal. No one would force him to train or do lab tests. No one was standing behind him, waiting to beat him to a pulp at the slightest mistake. 

At school, he could just be Peter. 

Well, he could pretend to be Peter. He was good at putting on a mask. No one suspected a thing.

Still, Peter couldn’t help but envy the other kids. The kids who had this life. The ones who didn’t have to pretend. 

The ones who didn’t wake up screaming from flashbacks of their childhood. The ones with people who loved him. 

Peter shook his head at that last thought. He would never have love, he didn’t deserve it. He was a killer. A machine. It was his purpose. 

He was pulled out of his spiral by the sound of a bell. As always, Peter had to suppress a flinch at the sudden noise. 

He dragged himself across the hall to his first period AP chem class and sat down. 

School was pretty easy. Actually, that’s an understatement. School was painfully easy. Peter had been reading about the subjects taught in his classes since he was ten years old. Nevertheless, Peter actually liked school. School was a place where he was treated like a kid instead of an emotionless killing machine. 

School was a breath of fresh air in the hell that Peter called his life. 

Sure, he was as Free as he figured that he was going to get, but he was alone. Life on the streets is hard, and having to provide for himself is stressful. Peter had gotten a part time job at a sandwich place called Delmar’s out of sheer luck. Even with the money from his job, it was still difficult for Peter to provide for himself, let alone save for the future. 

In short, Peter thought, his dreams of becoming a scientist were pretty much out the window. 

There’s no way he could ever afford college without screwing himself over, even with a scholarship. 

Peter is violently yanked out of his thoughts by the sensation of a backpack slamming against his ear. 

Breathe. You’ve had way worse.

“Watch it, Penis Parker!” As Peter looks up, he is met with the smug grin that always plasters itself on Flash’s face when he makes a spectacle of Peter’s misery. 

Calm down, Peter tells himself. It could be so much worse. You know that. You’re not even there. Stop it.

Peter keeps his face and mind painfully blank like he did back there.

It was agonizing that he was letting this kid treat him the way he had sworn never to let himself be treated again. 

But Peter has also learned that retaliating never ends well for him. 

So he sits, only half listening to what Flash is saying, and waits for the teacher to start class. 

\--------------

“Dude, you should totally come over today! And my mom loves you, so you can probably stay all weekend! She said that we can order Thai food and then we can watch The Empire Strikes Back and-”

Peter was half listening as his best and only friend was suggesting plans. They had been spending a lot of time at Ned’s lately, and it felt nice to not be alone for a little bit. Ned’s mom treated Peter as if he were her own son. Even if he wouldn’t admit it, Peter loved knowing that there were people who cared about him. This was new. 

“Uh, I have work today, Ned.” Ned’s face fell, and Peter quickly backtracked. “But I can totally come over after! Will you guys save me some Thai food?” 

If he wasn’t in agony from the way the school attacked his enhanced senses, Peter would have turned to give Ned a hug. 

Ned was the best, Peter realized. 

As soon as he noticed the way Peter shovelled his cardboard tasting school lunches into his mouth as if they were the best thing in the world, Ned started bringing a little extra food from home to give to Peter. 

The best part was that Ned didn’t push him to share why he needed the food. Ned knew something was wrong and was concerned about his friend, but he also recognized that Peter didn’t want to share. Ned respected what Peter wanted. That was so much more than Peter was used to. 

The rest of the school day seemed to drag, both of the boys anticipating the upcoming weekend. 

\--------------

Peter’s shift at Delmar’s was uneventful. Other than the madness-inducing sound of near constant chewing, it was fine. 

Eventually, after what seemed like an eternity to him, Peter was able to lock the store up and head to Ned’s house. 

The darkness of the night put Peter on edge, but his eyes were grateful for the lack of light. He could focus so much more easily when his sensitive eyes were not being assaulted with harsh light. 

Now Peter could focus on all the sounds of the city. It was amazing. He could hear car horns from across town and the cars just blocks away, and he could tell the difference between the two. 

He goes numb as he hears a painfully familiar sound from a bar a few streets over. 

“Come on, slut. You know you want to come with me.” 

Peter is plunged back into memories that he had tried so hard to forget. 

Skip’s fingers tracing all over his body. “You know you want me, Petey. Now don’t Move and take what-”

Before Peter knows it, he is sprinting towards the voice. He gets there before it’s too late. 

Acting on pure instinct and adrenaline, Peter incapacitates the guy who had been harassing the girl only a few years older than himself. 

She agrees not to tell anybody about Peter, but Peter’s head is still rushing. 

What if he hadn’t gotten there in time? How many people had suffered in the past because Peter was too afraid to use his abilities? How many people had Peter let down by not realizing he could do this until now? 

With a nauseated feeling in his stomach, Peter walks the girl to her apartment. 

No more. He had to help people. He owed it to them, after everything he had done in the past. 

Mind racing, Peter makes his way to Ned’s house. 

He keeps his mouth shut about what happened. About what he has to do from now on. 

Ned doesn’t deserve to be pulled into all of that. 

Peter is on edge all weekend.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for reading! I hope you're all having a good week. As always, kudos and comments are appreciated. I expect to have another update either this weekend or later this week. Please take care of yourselves! <3
> 
> I have a tumblr now, so come talk to me if that's something you want to do! It's [Astro_cat](https://astro-cat13.tumblr.com)


	3. Fate

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Peter could help people. 
> 
> Peter had to help people. 
> 
> It was the least he could do after all of the terrible things he had done.

A brightly colored sweatsuit in the back of a thrift store had caught Peter’s eye.

He should be heading back to the abandoned warehouse where he had been staying when he wasn’t at Ned’s house, but thoughts of Friday night plagued his mind.

He has the ability to stop terrible things from happening. 

Yet terrible things had surely happened to many people in the past. 

How many innocent people’s deaths could have been prevented if Peter had taken some goddamn responsibility for once in his life? 

The sweatsuit in the thrift store was brightly colored. 

You weren’t even supposed to be able to see it through the window, it was all the way in the back of the store crammed in a clothing rack with itchy-looking woolen sweaters. 

It was violently red and blue. Eye-catching colors. Back at HYDRA, they would never have let their assets wear such foolish colors. They worked in the dark. No witnesses.

Besides, bright colors are for superheroes. 

Peter was the furthest thing from a superhero. Superheroes didn’t have a trail of blood following them everywhere they went. They weren't as pathetic. 

They didn’t turn into mindless soldiers with a few simple Words. 

They weren’t so weak. 

Before Peter knows what’s happening, he’s spending two of his precious dollars on a red and blue sweatsuit. 

He could pretend to be stronger. He could pretend to be less pathetic. 

Even if he couldn’t be a hero, Peter reasoned, there’s nothing stopping him from doing the right thing. 

After everything he’s done (and everything he’s failed to do), Peter figures he owes it to humanity.

Besides, he liked red. Iron Man wore red. And HYDRA wasn’t here to tell him what to do. 

\--------------

The sweatsuit didn’t work as well protection-wise as an ideal superhero suit, but Peter supposes he can make this work. 

So far he’s done standard helpful-person things, like helping old ladies cross the road and getting cats out of trees. It’s getting darker though, and Peter’s feeling more on-edge than he had during daylight. 

So when he feels the hair on the back of his neck stand up and he gets a bad feeling about an alley a couple blocks ahead of him, Peter doesn’t hesitate to run. 

Sure enough, there are people in the alley. 

One man is being surrounded by five or six people, slowly circling him as a predator would stalk their prey. 

“Look, just take my money.” The man in the middle’s voice is shakey. “Please…” 

Desperate to keep the attention off of the man, Peter yells out, gaining the attention of everyone in the alley. 

“Sorry to break up what seems like a fun party, but it looks like you guys should probably head home.” 

And just like that Peter is fighting a group of people. I guess this was his purpose. 

No. Don’t think about that now. 

It’s almost hard to believe that it had only been two months since he left. Since he betrayed the only people who cared-

Stop it, Peter hisses. That gets some weird looks from his attackers. 

“Hang on, is this a kid?” Peter’s eyes dart to the man who spoke, red lips stretched in a creepy grin across his pale face. “How old are you, twelve?” 

That tone. It was like the doctor’s voice when he-

~~~  
‘That’s Not what I told you to do, Spider.’ Peter is young, too young. The Winter Soldier had just left him. How could he leave Peter? He had said that he cared. Was that a lie? No, that’s not how it was. They took Peter away. Peter’s the one who left.

The doctor’s voice is cold and nasally. 

‘I told you to get into the chair. Why do you disobey me?’ 

That chair is the one that made the Winter Soldier scream. It made him forget. 

The idea of the chair being used on Peter is terrifying. 

He stays on the ceiling. 

The voice of the doctor suddenly becomes more harsh and venomous. 

“Spider. Obey or the consequences will only become harsher.”

Peter quickly climbs down from the wall and sits in the chair. 

If he is lucky, maybe it will kill him. 

The doctor clasps a contraption over Peter’s face that is similar to the one Peter saw him use on the Soldier. Peter’s heart was racing. This was it. 

“Doc,” Peter’s eyes darted in the direction of the voice. It was a guard with a strange, nervous look on his face. “Will that wipe him? Stoller said she wanted him to remember his conditioning.”

The doctor chuckled. “The technology has been modified. It’s better now.” Peter flinches back as he feels a cold hand caressing the little bit of skin of his face that is still exposed. “The new asset will be not only the perfect soldier, but the perfect weapon as well.”

With that, the doctor flipped a switch and Peter’s world descended into pure agony.  
~~~

“Hey. HEY. Kid, are you good?” Peter’s face is tucked close to his knees.

Breathe. 

You’re not there. You’re safe. 

Peter picks his head up and sees red. 

The pavement is covered in blood. The man that Peter was trying to save is now looking worriedly at him. 

Well that’s pathetic. 

“What happened?” Peter tries unsuccessfully to still his shaking voice. The man looks at him with an expression of fear.

Man, he’s really not that great at this whole ‘pretending to be a hero’ thing. 

The man’s voice is deep and has a hint of confusion. “Uh, I mean I guess they got away.” The man arched his eyebrow at the puddle of blood on the pavement. “Well, not before you beat the shit out of them. Who even are you?” 

This wasn’t good. If he kept this up, Peter would draw too much attention to himself. He needed a way to fight without going back there.

It’s pathetic, really, Peter scolds himself. Because if he can’t use his ability to help others, what was he worth? 

Less than nothing. 

———————

He needs a way to keep that from happening again. 

Peter is walking the halls of Midtown Tech with no clear destination in mind. His first class didn’t start for another half hour, but it’s not like he had anywhere better to be. His hood is up to cover the worst of the bruises that have already been a cause for concern to everyone he had come across. 

The attention was already A Lot. Thank God for his accelerated healing. 

Besides, he would have gotten worse at HYDRA on a good day. He was getting so weak-

The chemistry lab. 

He had always been good at chemistry, maybe that could help. Maybe if he could make a serum to slow people down or-

No. A shiver went down his spine at that thought. No serums, that was just unfair. That was what They would do. What Peter needed was really some kind of rope or net so people couldn’t get away. He didn’t want to actually hurt people. 

He wanted to trap them. Like a spider. 

Now that was an idea. Was he really that eager to get back at HYDRA? Did he really want to get himself back from them this way? 

Definitely, Peter decided. He just needed time. 

\----------—

By lunchtime his chemistry notebook was filled with failed ideas and formulas. 

The idea was to create some kind of rope or net that would restrain villains without actually hurting them. It would have to have insane tensile strength, because Peter didn’t want the slightest possibility of somebody escaping and hurting anybody, because that would be on him. 

Maybe if it was that strong he could swing across the city with the rope. Like Tarzan. 

The sheer idea of this preposterous notion put a smirk on Peter’s face. Yeah, that would really be neat. Maybe if he could fly, he would be a real superhero. There could be action figures and comics of ‘the Spider-man.’ A student seated near Peter gives him a concerned glance, and Peter realizes he’s at the point of giggling quietly to himself. 

Giggling. 

The White Spider. 

What would Keller say? 

Now, that was a stupid question. Disregarding the whole ‘no betraying HYDRA thing,’ it just isn’t logical to trap enemies. Killing them would be much more effective. Nets and ropes or- or 

Webs. 

Don’t be an idiot, Spider. Webs don’t kill the enemies of HYDRA. 

How could he have forgotten? He’d had plans. Intricate plans for webs he could shoot from his wrists to ensnare enemies without the bloodshed. 

How much has Peter forgotten? He thought he remembered everything. 

It seemed like he remembered everything. 

If he has forgotten things, how is it that every time he closes his eyes, Peter sees the defeat in the eyes of his victims when they realize that they were never going to get away from him alive? How is it that he can’t go a day without thinking about the Winter Soldier? The cool, smooth texture of his metal arm. The soft look on his face as he remembered his ‘Stevie’ at the museum. 

His screams as HYDRA made him forget by turning his brain into scrambled eggs. 

“Peter?” 

Peter slams his notebook shut and snaps his head up, startled out of his previous daze. 

His frantic eyes meet Ned’s, and he allows his breathing to slow back down. 

“Peter, the bell just rang, we’re going to be late! I’ve been looking for you for so long, have you been here for the entire lunch period?” 

Peter softly apologizes and gets up to join Ned as he slips his notebook back into his bag. 

Webs. 

He was going to be the opposite of the cold, emotionless killer that HYDRA wanted him to be. 

And yet, there was another voice in his head. A voice that’s always been there, but is making itself more present the longer he stays away. 

‘You can’t hide from your fate forever.’ 

———————

Peter’s daily patrols had been going relatively well. He spent most of his time stopping petty crime and getting cats out of trees, and he also helped old ladies cross the road on occasion.

Just friendly neighborhood stuff. 

When he tries to even think about how dramatically his life has changed, it makes his head spin.

Instead of living in a cold metal room where people monitored him and yelled at him and made him train to kill, he got to do what he wanted. The sudden freedom was almost overwhelming. 

Not only that, but now instead of going on missions to dispose of targets, he got to go on his own missions to help people. 

Maybe he could be a hero, too. 

Peter quickly shook that idea out of his head. He was not a hero. A hero would have never just stood and listened as people beg and plead for him to ‘just let me go! Please! I have a family!.’

A hero wouldn’t have gone through with the plan regardless just because they were Orders. 

He could never be a hero, but he can help. That’s all that matters.

The place where Peter had been living was a building that looked like it had been abandoned for so long that it was difficult to imagine a time of it being used. 

It was nice nonetheless. Peter liked having a place where he could feel relatively safe and at home. 

Funny, one of the only times he can remember having a place that felt like home was when he was homeless. 

Peter chuckled, but abruptly stopped as his face went pale. 

There was something wrong. What was it? 

As he stepped out of the building that he had called home for over 2 months, his eyes were assaulted by harsh red and blue flashing lights. 

Oh shit.

Then, the voices came.

“PUT YOUR HANDS UP AND EXIT THE BUILDING!”

The demanding tone brought Peter back to a time he did not want to be in.

‘Spider! I expect you to be better than this.’ 

How had this happened? He had been so careful. Or, at least he had thought he was being careful. 

He complied with the commands of the police.

———————

Since becoming Spider-Man, Peter has put a few criminals in the back of police cars, even though he tried not to involve the police for cases of petty crime.

He’d just never thought that he would be in that same situation. 

“Excuse me, where are we going?” Peter tried unsuccessfully to stop his voice from wavering. 

This was bad. 

This was very bad.

They’d find out that his supposed guardian was missing. He’d go into the foster system. Would he even be able to continue going to Midtown?

Would he even be able to keep being Spider-Man?

The thought of random people having power over him was almost enough to make him throw up. His heart was pounding. He- he hadn’t felt like this since the days when he was with the Soldier.

When he would start shaking like this, with his mind racing and somehow blank at the same time, screaming and crying as the Soldier held him.

As he lied and said that everything would be okay.

As he- “KID.” 

Shit. The driver was angry now.

“What are you doing?” The driver’s tone was disgusting. Like Peter disgusted him.

Peter disgusted himself, too. 

The man opened his mouth again, and Peter braced himself for more yelling. To his surprise, however, it was the deep voice of the other officer that he heard. 

“Calm down, Stevens. He’s just a kid.” 

Just a kid. For his entire life, Peter had been merely an experiment. Someone who was expected to be able to listen, get everything right, make no mistakes, and obey.

All while being told- while knowing that he was expendable. While knowing that there was absolutely nothing stopping his superiors from deciding that his failures were too much and starting over. 

Just a kid. 

Even while living his newfound ‘normal life,’ he was nothing like the kids at school. He couldn't just go home and do normal kid stuff. He was Spider-Man. 

He was Spider-Man and that is the one thing in his entire sad, pitiful life that he was even somewhat proud of. 

And now that was going to be taken away. 

Peter wouldn’t be able to live with himself if people that he could save suffered because of his mistakes. Because of his carelessness. 

If people got hurt because of his neglect, if they died, that was on him.

In spite of all this, there was a part of him that wanted to live like a regular kid. A tiny, selfish part of him just wanted help. 

It's a shame that the last thing Peter deserved was help. 

The car ride had been an awkwardly silent one, save for the one outburst from the driver, and Peter’s anxiety was palpable. He was a mess. 

The officer in the passenger’s seat seemed to feel at least a little bit bad for Peter. As much as Peter resented that fact, he figured he could make use of it at least to some extent. 

As the police car pulled up to the station, Peter steeled his expression and prepared himself to deal with the utter bullshit that was the legal system while (hopefully) masking the sheer anxiety that he felt like he was drowning in. With every step he took toward the building, he could feel the telltale signs of the imminent panic attack that he was currently attempting to suppress. 

‘Why is this my life?’ Peter was led into the building and was told to sit in a rock-hard blue chair while he waited for ‘Officer Davis.’ He hoped that the angry guy who had been the driver wasn’t this Davis person, because the process was going to be hard enough as it is. 

Turns out Officer Davis was the passenger. 

Peter looked up from his hands which had previously been pulling at loose strings on the sleeves of his sweatshirt to see the intimidating figure of the man approach him. His posture automatically became more rigid as the man pulled up a chair to sit across from him, the metal legs of the chair scratching horrendously on the floor. Peter had to fight the urge to slam his hands over his ears. Turns out you never really get fully used to having heightened senses. 

The officer cleared his throat and Peter’s mind started to race as his eyes snapped up to meet those of Officer Davis ~no no NO nononono not allowed~ and in that moment Peter had to slam a mental block in his brain to stop himself from standing at attention to greet his superior. 

No.

No! He had just gotten past that. Why was he so broken?

Some of his distress must have shown on his face, because the officer’s expression immediately softened. 

“Hey, kid, look at me.” Peter hated himself for immediately complying with the command because ~he has to obey he has to~. “It’s going to be okay. I’m Officer Jefferson Davis, and I just want to ask you some questions, alright? I just want to find out what’s going on.”

Davis obviously took Peter’s silence as a signal to continue. 

“We had gotten two seperate complaints of someone breaking into that building you were in, illegally, may I add, so we went to investigate. And that’s when we found-”

“Me.” Peter looked up from the table as he said the single word. The officer looked up in surprise. The boy’s tone wasn’t quite scared as he had expected, rather it was more resigned. 

“I know I’m in trouble. I’m sorry.” Peter raised his head further to look Davis in the eyes. He opened his mouth to speak, but then hesitated and shifted his gaze down to look at the table. 

There’s nothing he could say. 

He was a criminal. These people saw this, but for all the wrong reasons. 

What was he supposed to do? He had nowhere to go. He has nothing. Why is this what he’s finally getting into trouble for?

He was a murderer, for fuck’s sake. 

What was going to happen? They were going to find his guardian, and find out that she was missing. 

‘Or they’ll find out you killed her. And then you’ll go to prison, like you deserve to. Or better yet, they’ll find out about the compound, that you’re a freak, and finally put you down like you really deserve.’

Peter maintained what he hoped was an expression of casual indifference as the other officer walked into the room with an aura that was somewhere between bored and frustrated. 

“He’s a runaway.” Both cops turned to look at Peter, and he could feel his face becoming increasingly red against his will. The man could have the decency to not talk about him as if he wasn’t there. 

“Only guardian is missing. Probably dead, from what it looks like.” Well, that was pretty forward. Peter saw Officer Davis glance over at him with concern etched into his features. The man continued, “He’s been living in New Jersey with his aunt, Ann Fitzpatrick, but she was reported missing two months ago. Says here that his next of kin would be his Aunt May Parker, the wife of his biological uncle.”

That was a lot of information for Peter to process. He wasn’t in trouble, at least not yet. He could even vaguely remember the names May and Ben from a time before the chaos. A time that seemed almost nonexistent to Peter. 

Then came the words that caused Peter’s heart to race almost as much as a real Word would have. 

“The uncle died a couple years ago, his wife will be here to pick the kid up in half an hour.”

With that, Peter’s world came to a halt. 

They were sending him home with a woman who he could barely even remember. A woman who he would have to lie to about everything. 

Could he be Spider-Man? He’d have to. It was the only thing keeping him sane, not to mention the fact that he couldn’t just let innocent people die. 

No. He could be Spider-Man, somehow, but there was still an even more pressing question. 

Could he be normal?

He was so messed up, broken, and he would have to hide that from this new caretaker. Unless he wanted this woman to figure out everything, he’d have to suppress it all.

More than he was already, at least. 

Before Peter knew it, one of the officers was escorting a woman with long brown hair and glasses who looked to be in her late thirties to where he was sitting. As she caught sight of him, the woman’s eyes filled with years. Eyes that, although she had lost her husband, hadn’t seen horrors anywhere close to what Peter’s life was. This aside, Peter did actually remember fragments of this woman being in his early childhood. Maybe he could make the most of this situation. Maybe it wouldn’t be so bad. 

“Oh, Peter. I’m so sorry to hear about Ann

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for reading. As always, kudos and comments are appreciated. I will try to update sometime next week, but updates may become less regular. I hope you enjoyed this chapter, and I hope you all take care of yourselves. <3
> 
> I have a tumblr now, so come talk to me if that's something you want to do! It's [Astro_cat](https://astro-cat13.tumblr.com)


	4. Adaptation

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Life with May was going a lot better than Peter had initially expected it to. 
> 
> Sure, she didn’t know about anything that had happened to him after his parents died, but that was good. He didn’t need anyone poking and prodding at his traumas when he was doing just fine by himself. 
> 
> He was fine.

Life with May was going a lot better than Peter had initially expected it to. 

Sure, she didn’t know about anything that had happened to him after his parents died, but that was good. He didn’t need anyone poking and prodding at his traumas when he was doing just fine by himself. 

He was fine. 

He did internally freak out every time a Word was said accidentally, but he had become good enough at masking his expressions that no one really took notice. Even when they did, they would play it off as trauma from having dead parents. 

His nightmares had been getting better, so that’s a start.

The hardest thing Peter had found about living with May was going along with her idea of what happened for basically his entire childhood. He was slowly putting together pieces, but it was still a taxing process to tiptoe around conversations that went in the direction of his childhood years. 

Most days were actually pretty okay. 

Over the past few weeks, they had fallen into a pretty normal routine. This routine included long shifts at the hospital for May, school for Peter, and frequent thai-takeout-and-movie nights. 

They were almost like a normal family. 

Peter had been able to keep going to Midtown, which he was surprised to be so ecstatic about. Flash was about as annoying as usual, but he had missed Ned so much that it almost scared him. 

He felt so weak, but having a friend was nice. Peter decided that he liked it. He also strangely enjoyed the idea that after he timidly told May of his one and only friend, she made sure he could go back to Midtown. Her doing stuff like that made him feel a way that he couldn’t really explain. 

Loved, maybe, for the first time in a long time. 

This particular day was one like any other for Peter, consisting of waking up late, grabbing a granola bar, and bolting out the door with barely enough time to even bid his aunt good morning. 

Throughout the day, Peter fought to stay awake. His classes were still almost painfully easy, to the point where struggling at all seemed like failure to Peter. 

And oh, how he was struggling. 

It was frustrating, the amount of disappointed looks he had already gotten from May in the few weeks he’d known her. Peter was constantly being surprised with how much of his childhood May remembered. It made him cringe whenever he heard “honey, is something going on? I know you can do better than this. You’ve shown me that you can do better.”

He would usually get those comments and worried looks from her after late nights patrolling, which multiple times already had led to him failing just a couple tests and getting detention for falling asleep in class. 

He was exhausted all the time. It wasn’t easy to balance being Spider-Man with school and his job at Delmar’s.

His job that he’d been going too less and less since moving in with May. He did feel bad about that, about abusing the kind man’s charity. Peter knew that hiring him couldn’t be helping the shop all that much. 

Being Spider-Man had proved to be much easier than he had expected when he first moved in with May. Since she usually took night shifts at the hospital, leaving the house late wasn’t an issue. He did feel bad lying to May, though, especially since he was already so comfortable around her. 

He was tired of letting her down, but he couldn’t stop doing what he was doing. 

It was a responsibility at this point. A responsibility that he should have taken on the second that he got his powers. 

One that had been taken from him for the majority of his childhood. 

That was the sole reason that Peter was able to hold his head high as he walked from his fourth period to the cafeteria with his best friend. 

Yes, he was a failure. Yes, he was a pathetic disappointment who the world would be better off without. 

Why was he here at all? Peter couldn’t tell you. 

But at least he can help some people during his life. Maybe if he could make a difference in the lives of just a few people, his life wouldn’t be for nothing. 

Maybe someday he could look in the mirror and not see a murderer, but someone who helps.

Until then, he would be okay balancing Spider-Man and school. 

It was the least he could do for the world. 

\--------------

“Peter!”

The teen’s head shot up from where it had previously been resting on his desk to see the entire class looking at him, and his chemistry teacher at the front with his arms crossed. His expression wasn’t as hard as teacher’s expressions usually were before Peter got into trouble for sleeping. Maybe he’d let it go.

“I’m so sorry, Mr. Cobbwell. I just-”

“Stay after class for a little bit, Parker.”

Apparently not. 

Peter’s face burned red as he exhaled and slumped down in his chair. He tried, he really tried to get people to like him. Yet, somehow, it seemed like nobody ever did. 

No one does because you don’t deserve it. Have you seen yourself?

That wasn’t true. Peter squeezed his eyes shut. May loved him. Ned loved him. That’s all he needed. 

Do they?

The question that constantly haunted Peter jumped around in his mind, making itself very known until he was startled once again by the bell. As the rest of his class rushed to go home as it was the last class period of the day, Peter timidly made his way over to the teacher’s desk as he felt a numbness rush through his body. Getting lectured by adults was not a new concept to him. Hell, he had spent most of his life where he would have been so lucky to just get talked to by one of his superiors when he fucked up.

For some reason, though, now any time anyone in a position of power got upset with him, he just froze. 

His teacher gave him a sympathetic look and Peter clenched his hands and looked at the ground as he prepared to put on his mask of feigned disinterest as he listened to the disappointment he caused.

“Peter, you’re not in trouble.”

Peter looked up in surprise. He wasn’t? Well that would be a first. He kept his guard up, though. In Peter’s experience, that phrase usually wasn’t as innocent as it seemed. 

Prompted by Peter’s lack of response, Mr. Cobbwell pulled out a stack of papers from his desk. 

“You’ve heard of Stark Industries, I presume.” 

Heard of it. What an understatement. 

Peter still had vague memories of going to the Stark expo with his parents. He still had vague memories of eating, sleeping, and breathing all things Stark in his early years. 

Which caused his parents to take him to the Expo. Which caused them to die. Which caused him to end up in the facility.

Which caused him to be so broken. 

Everyone knew Stark Industries, though. Hell, there was a giant tower in New York with the word “Stark” displayed on the side in huge light-up letters.

“Yes,” Peter muttered. 

Because who hadn’t?

Peter’s teacher replied by sliding the top paper from the stack towards him. 

Peter glanced down at the paper, and the title made his world come screeching to a halt.

‘Stark Industries Internship Application.’

Mr. Cobbwell almost seemed amused by Peter’s bewilderment, and began to explain the situation to Peter. 

“I trust you also remember that fiasco where Stark and the rest of the Avengers refused to sign the accords?”

That was right, Peter remembered. That had been a crazy situation. While most people had supported Tony Stark’s ultimate decision, seeing the ridiculous terms of the Accords, others began to speak of the Avengers as if they were criminals. 

The Daily Bugle had a field day with this notion. Peter could remember the reporter calling for the Avengers to ‘all be put behind bars,’ especially focusing on this person that Peter had never heard of before, and that the Avengers were being especially secretive about. Someone called ‘James Barnes.’

“So it’s a publicity stunt?” The teacher frowned as Peter voiced his realization. 

“Well, technically I guess that’s true, but I think applying for this could be a big opportunity for you, Peter.”

That, Peter figured, was probably true. Upon closer inspection, the paper did say something about it being a paid internship. 

Being paid to do science with his childhood hero was an exciting concept, and he did want to be able to help May a little with the rent.

Also the idea of being able to consistently add to his little stash of money was very appealing. Just in case something were to happen. 

Peter decides to finally voice his main concern. “Why are you telling me this? Why not someone else… you know, better?” Sure, he supposed he was smart. A childhood of rigorous schooling by a terrorist organization combined with a natural curiosity with all things scientific will give you that. But no one seemed to see his interest. No one liked him.

“Peter.”

Peter looked up to meet his teacher’s eyes. 

“You are not the best student, that’s true.”

Oh. Well, hearing that out loud hurt.

“However,” he continued, “you are smart, Peter. Your test scores in this class prove that. You are capable. I think if anyone in this school has a chance of passing the application exam, it’s you. You could be so successful, you just need to take some accountability.”

An exam. It only made sense, now that Peter thought about it. How else would they determine who was capable of working at Stark Industries.

“Okay.” Peter felt in his gut as he said the word that he’d grow to regret this decision. “I’ll take the test.”

\--------------

The test was really hard. 

It made sense that it was difficult. The internship, as Peter had only learned after he decided that he would take the test, was meant for college kids. Stark had only made it open to highschoolers because a big part of the whole publicity stunt was to ‘nourish the brains of America’s youth’ because ‘children are the future.’

Given that he was only a sophomore, and that he had such a difficult time working out the problems on the test, Peter accepted the fact that he wouldn’t get to work with Stark. Which was fine. 

It was fitting, even. On some of the test questions, Peter had to work so hard to figure out what they were even asking. He had to push deep into his memories of his torturous education, where not understanding a topic or getting a question wrong would result in consequences much worse than the simple embarrassment that he experienced in the same situations in this new school. 

He ultimately did figure out a lot of the questions, but he was working until the last second of the time limit. 

Something that had never happened before. 

For these reasons, Peter almost forgot about even submitting the application. 

That is, until Peter was walking home from the bus one afternoon and noticed an expensive car parked outside of the apartment building. 

Was it Stark? 

A car that flashy definitely wasn’t there in the morning when Peter left for school, and it definitely didn’t belong in front of their building. If it was Stark, what would May think? She’d be so mad that he didn’t tell her someone was coming over. He didn’t even get permission to apply. She’d kick him out. He’d have to go back on the streets and-

No. Stark had no reason to be at his apartment. If he had gotten the internship, one of Stark’s probably numerous secretaries would have contacted him somehow. Maybe through Mrs. Warren, who had submitted the application for him. 

Anyway, there’s no way Stark would let a kid like him work for him for the sole purpose of pleasing the public. 

Trying his best to keep the wave of panic he had just experienced at bay, Peter made his way to May’s apartment. Now his apartment too, Peter figured. 

“Hey, May.” Peter made sure his voice didn’t convey the near panic attack that came with seeing the flashy car. He couldn’t have her worrying about him more than she had to. That wasn’t fair to her.

“Hey, Peter. How was school?” Her voice was soothing, but her tone made it seem like there was something wrong.

Nothing was wrong. Everything was okay.

“Good.” Peter put his bag down as he replied, deciding to voice his concern lightly to put his anxiety at ease. “There’s this crazy car outside-”

As Peter looked up and locked eyes with the billionaire on his aunt’s couch, his face went pale. 

The panic that he was trying to put at ease bubbled up inside him. It was like he had to push it down in order to stop it from exploding out of him. 

Shit. What was he going to do? May- May had trusted him. She could never do that again, she’d get mad, she’d throw him out.

Peter was trying his best to stay calm as he heard the man on his couch introduce himself. 

“Tony.” Yeah, no shit. Now what was he doing here?

Peter quickly glanced at his aunt’s concerned, probably angry (definitely angry) face. “I’m P- Peter,” he sputtered out. 

Seeing Peter’s bewilderment, May cut in.

“Peter, Tony says he’s here about an internship you applied for? You never told me about this.”

Peter held back a flinch at the sheer confusion in May’s tone.

“Yeah, May. I’m so sorry I didn’t tell you before I just forgot and-”

“Can I speak to Peter in his room?” 

Oh, boy. Yep, this was fine. Peter’s just going to be by himself in a room with a complete stranger. A stranger who happened to be an adult male. 

As they walked into Peter’s room, he made sure the door was open a crack. It was irrational, sure. Peter was Spider-Man. He could overpower Tony in an instant. The door just made him feel safer. 

“Okay, kid. I’m going to get straight to the point. I have no idea how you managed to score so high on the test. I saw your permanent records. You’re clearly Not that studious. None of the records really demonstrate the intelligence it would take to score that high on my test.

Not. Not. Not. The Word made Peter’s ears buzz and caused him to snap his hands from where they had been crossed across his chest to behind his back.

~

Come here, Spider. You almost failed. You know why we can’t have that.

‘No. Please.’ 

‘Not.’ 

The use of a Word caused Peter to obey instantly. He submitted. Just like he always had, and always would in the future.

~

With his first Word being one that was so commonly used, Peter had heard it a lot since getting out of HYDRA. He had thought that he was used to it enough by now that it didn’t really affect him, but obviously that wasn't true. Maybe it was because he was already so on edge. 

The billionaire, oblivious to the abrupt shift in the teen’s mindset, continued. “It isn’t like I’m saying you consciously cheated or anything, no. All I’m saying is that I don’t really think you would be a great fit for the position. 

Heat flushed into Peter’s face. The man was angry. He thought that Peter cheated. That would mean bad things.

“I’m sorry, sir.” Peter’s voice was small. “I- please. I didn’t cheat I promise. I don’t know how I could have done well, sir. Please.”

Peter cursed himself. The effects of the one Word were still wearing off, and he couldn’t control anything that came out of his mouth. He sounded so pathetic. He was so weak.

Tony, fortunately, seemed to be more confused than concerned about Peter’s flustered speech. He apparently decided to write it off as Peter being star-struck by having a superhero in his bedroom, which Peter supposed was fair. 

“Hey, kid, I said that I didn’t think you cheated. You couldn’t have gotten away with anything, your teacher was administering one person taking a test.”

Huh. Peter wasn’t used to adults using logic when it wasn’t working against him.

“As I was saying, Tony continued, you obviously aren’t a terrible kid. Hell, you might even be tolerable if you cared at all about anything besides yourself.”

And his words were back to stabbing Peter like knives. Great. 

“I mean, I don’t understand what was going through your mind, applying for a rigorous internship all of this on your record. Maybe you happened to do well on my test, which was probably a fluke, may I add, but really? Absences, tardies, and a pile of detentions?”

He was right. Who was he to even try to take a spot away from someone who actually worked hard in classes, not someone who happened to be able to figure out the material on the exam.

“However.” Peter’s eyes glanced up as the billionaire's tone got darker. “My assistant Pepper Potts decided that it would look good for me to have you as my personal intern.”

Personal intern? Did that mean that he got the internship?

“Obviously, you’d still get paid and come in to work. Just, I don’t know, try not to interrupt me if I’m trying to get something done. God, this isn’t going to go well.

The man’s tone and attitude made Peter’s stomach churn. “Mr. Stark, sir, I’m sorry to oppose Miss Potts, but surely someone else could be your personal intern, you don’t have to- I mean, all of this just for the press is...”

“Peter.” Tony’s tone softened slightly. The kid was just scared. “I’m sorry, kid. I didn’t- don’t want this. I don’t take interns, and I sure as hell don’t want to start now. I didn’t even want to oppose the accords, but I had no choice. Steve wouldn’t sign, and I couldn’t just break up the team like that, the world needs us, and-” realizing that he was rambling, Tony stopped talking. 

“The point is, I need a kid to be my intern. To mentor, or at least make it seem like I’m mentoring. You’d get paid. Ultimately, you got one of the top scores, so it’s in my best interest to pick you. Even if you do seem to have some… problems staying out of trouble. Dare I say, immaturity. So do you want the job, kid? Yes or no?”

Peter weighed the options. Of course he wanted to work with his childhood hero. Even stepping foot inside Stark Tower would be a dream come true. He could stop costing Mr. Delmar’s business money, and he could help May with bills. He could do this. He had put up with being seen as the scum of the earth by everyone around him for the majority of his life. Working at a place where his boss disliked him due to factors he couldn’t control and that Mr. Stark frankly didn’t understand would be fine.

Maybe he could learn a thing or two.

He looked his new boss and mentor in the eyes, and with all of the courage in Peter’s body, he nodded. 

“Perfect. I’ll have someone email you details, and you can start Monday.”

Dread filled Peter’s body as he heard the statement. What was he getting himself into?

No. This would be fine.

He would be fine

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for reading! As always, kudos and comments are appreciated. I will try to update this in about a week, maybe sooner. Please stay safe and take care of yourself! <3 :)
> 
> I have a tumblr now, so come talk to me if that's something you want to do! It's [Astro_cat](https://astro-cat13.tumblr.com)


	5. Beginnings

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Peter knew that it was irrational to be afraid. All he had to do was go in, be ignored by Mr. Stark while he was working on more important things, and get paid.
> 
> Nothing bad would happen. He was a real person now, so no one could do anything to him anymore.
> 
> But he was still Peter Parker.

May was ecstatic about Peter’s internship. 

Peter was much less enthusiastic, but he was happy that May was excited. He really was. 

“Finally you’ll be challenged. I think this is exactly what you need, Peter. And imagine how good a Stark internship will look on your resume.” Peter understood that everything she said was true. Even if it was just some publicity stunt, he could still learn something. 

It was just scary.

Peter knew that it was irrational to be afraid. All he had to do was go in, be ignored by Mr. Stark while he was working on more important things, and get paid.

Nothing bad would happen. He was a real person now, so no one could do anything to him anymore.

At least that’s what Peter told himself while walking to catch the bus for school. He was trying his best to mask the fact that he was a nervous wreck, as he had gotten an email a few days prior explaining that someone named Happy Hogan was going to pick him up from school that day.

To take him to Stark tower.

To intern for Tony Stark. 

Needless to say, Peter was terrified. A little excited, maybe, but definitely mostly terrified. 

Ned, in typical Ned fashion, was even more excited than May about Peter’s internship. Telling Ned that Tony Stark had visited his apartment ended up being quite a funny experience.

Now that Peter had to get through a day of school knowing who was picking him up afterward, Ned's constant bombardment of questions proved to be a perfect distraction. 

On the way to his first period, Peter heard “wait, so, like, you have a job??? You’re getting paid to work with THE Tony Stark???” 

“Can you buy a super cool mansion hangout? CAN I COME TO YOUR MANSION?” Peter giggled at Ned’s excited whispers in the middle of English. 

“Oh my god, Peter! Why didn't you tell me the internship was at STARK TOWER???” Peter threw his hand over his best friend’s mouth as everyone around them in their gym class went quiet. 

“Ned!” Peter looked around as he hissed at his friend under his breath. His spirit fell as he saw Flash staring back at him. The sound of his laughter pierced through Peter’s skull, and caused Ned to throw an apologetic glance to Peter as they both prepared themselves for what Flash was going to start this time. 

“Stark Tower?” Flash’s tone, as Peter and Ned had feared, was a blend of feigned superiority and skepticism. “An internship? Do you think everyone here is dumb? No way Stark would want Penis Parker.”

Peter hated to admit that he did agree with Flash on this one. Ned, however, had other ideas. 

“Unlike you, Peter is actually smart! No one had to bribe the school with donations to get him in, unlike you!” Ned gave Peter a smug look as Peter wished that he could disappear into the ground. 

“Yeah, whatever. No one believes you, Penis. Even if you did somehow get a chance to meet Stark, he’d be repulsed by how much of a pathetic dickhead you are.”

As Flash was walking away, Ned barely had a chance to mutter “you’re the dickhead” before the bell rang, signalling for them to go to their last class of the day. 

\--------------

Chemistry class, although being one of Peter’s favorites by far, seemed to somehow pass by both painstakingly slow and in an instant. Before Peter knew it, he was outside of the school waiting for one of Stark’s assistants to pick him up. 

Peter’s heart rate picked up and his throat got tight as he felt his phone buzz. 

‘Black car. Third from the back.’ 

As Peter scanned the parking lot with his eyes, he managed to locate the car that fit that description with relative ease. Building up his courage, he approached the car and put his hand on the handle of the door to the backseat.

Wait, was this the right door? Was it rude to sit in the backseat if no one was in the passenger side? What if this wasn’t the right car? What if he was just an idiot trying to get into some random person’s car?

What if there was no internship? Maybe it was a set-up, maybe Stark knew about Spider-Man and was kidnapping him?

What if it was HYDRA? 

Okay, even Peter knew that was far-fetched. Everything that had just run through his mind was irrational. He knew that. He knew that he was just stalling.

It was scary. And the driver was probably already mad because he could see Peter stalling and he’d have to talk to the driver and the driver would be mad and-

Fuck it. Peter pulled the door open and slid into the backseat. 

He looked up and locked eyes with the driver, who was looking at him in the rearview mirror. His throat burned as he buckled his seatbelt.

“Hey… Mr. Hogan, sir, er I- I’m Peter.”

Yeah, Peter. Real smooth. Peter was at least glad that he managed to remember the man’s name from his emails.

Peter wished the seat would open up and swallow him whole as he heard Mr. Hogan scoff. “Call me Happy, kid.” 

The rest of the car ride was spent in awkward silence. Peter couldn’t find the energy to force a conversation because it felt like if he even opened his mouth he would throw up. 

As Happy pulled into Stark Tower, Peter pushed his terror and his worry deep inside his chest and let his expression go blank. He pushed down his hope and longing for Mr. Stark to tolerate him. 

Maybe even like him. Maybe even be proud of him. 

No, what was he thinking? People never like him, and he didn’t need anyone to. Peter mentally berated himself as Happy led him through the tower to a room full of what looked to be college students. 

“Here you are, kid,” Happy mumbled as he left, probably to go do something actually important that he should have been doing instead of chauffeuring some 15 year old kid around. 

As Peter settled into his spot standing near the back corner of the room, the woman that was standing at the front of the room began to talk. 

Pepper Potts, Peter reminded himself. The CEO of Stark Industries. 

“Welcome to Stark Tower! We’re so honored to have so much talent right here in this room.” Ms Potts’ voice was somehow both authoritative and kind. Peter decided that he could probably trust her. 

“We all here hope that we can further your knowledge and academic careers by providing you with hands-on experience. Most of you will work in the communal labs, assisting people as needed, but there are a few exceptions.”

Peter’s heart dropped. He was an exception, wasn’t he. Why couldn’t he just blend in like he wanted to? Why did he even make the dumb decision to apply in the first place? 

“If you will look at the ID badges you all should have received upon entry, you will see a location next to your name. If your badge says ‘lab,’ you will exit through the door on my right and go down the hall. If your badge says ‘special access,’ proceed through the door behind me. FRIDAY should escort each of you to your positions. In the future, you can go straight to the room you work in upon arrival at the tower. Please work out any issues relating to your paycheck with HR sometime within the next week.” 

Peter fumbled for his ID as everyone else began excitedly clamoring for the two exits.

Special access. 

Of fucking course. 

It was irrational to be angry about this. Peter understood that. A small part of him was almost excited to live his dream of working in a real lab to invent things and help people, but the rational part of his brain was terrified. 

What if Stark didn’t like him? What if Peter got used to having this thing he’s wanted, and then it got taken away? Logically, Stark would be better off without him. They both knew that.

He’d just have to try not to get attached. 

He didn’t deserve the things that he wanted anyway. 

Taking a deep breath, Peter made his way down the hallway that Pepper had indicated that he should. Everyone else was branching off into different hallways with room numbers, which caused Peter to internally panic. Were they supposed to know a room number? He was already the youngest one here, so he really didn’t need any help making more of an impression that he was irresponsible. 

Finally deciding to bite the bullet, Peter decided to turn to a girl who looked to only be a few years older than him. 

“Hey, um… how do you know where to go? Was I supposed to get a room number or…” 

The girl just smiled and gestured to the ID that was already being worn on her belt. “The thing next to your name should tell you where to go, see?” She showed him her ID, which said ‘east wing, room A305.’ 

Peter mumbled a thanks as he put his head back down and started walking a little faster. Why didn’t he have a room number? He had no idea where to go. Maybe the company decided that he wasn’t supposed to be here and-

“Mr. Parker?” 

Peter jumped as a voice came out of nowhere. FRIDAY, he remembered, was an AI that Stark had programmed. He read all about her online, maybe this was her. 

Peter’s suspicions were confirmed as the voice spoke again. 

“I am Tony’s AI, and I have been instructed by Ms. Potts to show you to Tony’s private labs.”

With her help, Peter found his way to a room that was blasting ACDC. Because of his enhanced hearing, the sound made him want to sit down and slam his hands over his ears. Or cry. Or both. 

Peter swallowed his fear and discomfort down until it was deep inside his chest and knocked on the door. 

Nothing happened as Peter knocked on the door of his childhood hero. 

It was kind of surreal, actually. This man had affected Peter’s life so much, yet he barely even knew who Peter was. 

They say to never meet your heroes, which Peter decided was good advice. Not because they could be assholes, although that was a possibility. The real problem with meeting your heroes was, at least if your heroes were all superheroes like Peter’s were, that they only came during times of crisis. During times where you lost everything. 

Or for publicity stunts, evidently. 

Another reason for Peter to not meet his heroes was that he was a terrible person that has done terrible things. A person that had been mutated by a terrorist organization to a point where he could barely be considered a person anymore. 

He didn’t deserve to meet his heroes. The only thing he deserved was to be put behind bars by his heroes. 

That would do the world a lot more good than Peter sould ever achieve by working in a lab. 

He and the voice in his head had decided that long ago. 

Peter shifted his school bag to his other shoulder awkwardly as he knocked again. After a few seconds, FRIDAY let him in. As the door opened, the sound from the music hit Peter’s ears and he had to fight the urge to wince in pain. 

The man still didn’t notice as Peter walked into the room. Heart racing, Peter stood in silence for a few seconds before trying to get his attention. 

“Mr. Stark?” The man still didn’t turn around. Peter’s legs were shaking at this point, even if no normal person would be able to pick up on it. 

A tool of Hydra showing emotion? Ridiculous. 

Peter raised his voice. “Excuse me-”

The man’s head shot up before Peter could finish his thought, and he instructed Friday to lower the music. “Pep, you almost gave me a heart attack!” Stark continued to work on whatever project he was doing when Peter walked in. 

When Peter didn’t say anything, the billionaire turned around, and upon seeing Peter, he dropped his project in shock. 

“Kid? What are you doing here?” 

Oh no. Peter wasn’t supposed to be here, he knew it. Stark was going to get mad and throw him out before he could even start and-

How could he think that he was allowed in the personal labs of a genius? What was he thinking?

“I’m sorry, sir. I just- the internship? And I was here and FRIDAY led me here?”

A look of confusion dawned itself on Stark’s face. “Shit! That was today? FRI?”

“Boss, this information was in numerous emails that you have received.” Stark scoffed at the remark of the AI. “Additionally, Ms. Potts reminded you about this twice yesterday.” 

The man at least had the decency to look apologetic about his mistake. “Okay, kid. Let me get you set up with something so I can continue with what I’m doing. You can just leave your bag on that couch over there.”

Peter bit his tongue as he almost asked why he couldn’t just help with what the hero was doing. Stark didn’t want him messing things up, and that project was probably important. It was childish for him to expect to be able to do everything. 

“Here. You did well on the application exam, so you can probably do this. Surprisingly well, may I add. Especially for someone who’s just a kid.”

Peter almost flinched at Stark’s tone. Was he insinuating that Peter cheated to be here? Is that why he seemed to dislike him so much?

Stark brought a computer over to a nearby counter. “I’ve been working on another AI for a little bit.” As much as Peter tried, he couldn’t fully mask how his eyes lit up at the statement. “It’s a much simpler version of FRIDAY. I want you to look through the code and find any errors. If you want to try to beef up the firewall or anything, go ahead. Hell, reprogram the whole thing if you can.” Stark laughed at the suggestion. “Do what you want, just don’t break it. It’s relatively simple though, so I can probably fix anything you do break.”

With that, he went back to the project he was working on. 

As Peter looked at the code, he could see a few obvious errors that were probably there on purpose for him to fix. After fixing those in about 5 minutes, Peter decided to make the entire thing more secure. 

He didn’t usually code as he preferred things like chemistry and physics, so this was an interesting challenge. He knew enough to fix some of the less obvious errors that may not have been there on purpose. 

After about 10 minutes of looking over everything, Peter had the firewall taken apart and was putting it back in a way that it would be more effective. 

After about 20 minutes, Peter had the firewall back up and was scanning for last minute errors. 

After 30 minutes, he was done with everything he was capable of doing to this AI. Peter looked over at Mr. Stark, who seemed to be taking a break. 

“Mr. Stark?” Peter had to fight to keep a blush off of his face as the billionaire looked over to where he was. “I think I’m done, sir.” 

Stark looked surprised as he walked to where Peter had been working. “Okay, kid. Let’s see how you did.” 

Peter kept his eyes focused on the ground as the man looked through his work. When Stark finally looked up, he looked almost… impressed?

“Wow. Peter, this is impressive. Did you do all of this by yourself?”

Well, obviously. Instead of vocalizing his exasperation, Peter kept his eyes trained on the ground and nodded. 

The man’s voice suddenly adopted a playful tone that was a complete 360 from his previous disinterest. 

“Peter. Pete. Pedro. Petey- I’m actually impressed. What else can you do?”

Peter couldn’t process the compliment as the one word was pulsing through his head. 

Petey. Petey. Petey. Petey. Petey. Petey. Petey-

~~~

‘Come on, Petey. You know I’m only helping you, right? This is helping.’

Skip’s voice was venomous and Peter shrank back even further into the corner of his cell. 

‘Is this how you treat me? After everything I've done for you? Just yesterday, I risked getting myself in trouble and brought you some food. You should be grateful.’ 

It was true. Peter did owe this to Skip. 

‘You know, without me they probably would have already killed you, like they killed the Winter Soldier.’

That didn’t make very much sense, but Skip probably knew what he was talking about. 

Skip was smart. Peter was nothing. 

~~~

“Kid?” Stark sounded concerned. Peter looked up. How long had he been in his thoughts? Why was he shaking? That wasn't allowed, he couldn’t show emotion. He couldn’t feel emotion. 

“I’m sorry, sir. I don’t-”

“What happened. Are you okay?” Peter didn’t know how to answer that question. “Peter-” Stark placed an awkward hand on the boy’s shoulder. 

Stark snatched his hand away when Peter flinched violently. “That- don’t. Please.” Peter took a deep breath to collect his thoughts. God, he was so weak. “I’m sorry, sir. Just- please don’t call me that.”

Stark nodded slowly. “O-kayy, kid.” After an awkward pause, Stark added, “You know, you don’t have to call me sir.” Peter just looked at the billionaire in confusion. “I mean- it just makes me feel old, you know?” 

Peter just slowly made his way to the couch that held his bag. Hastily throwing the bag over his shoulder, he looked Stark in the eyes for the first time since arriving in the room. “I think I should go, s- I mean, Mr. Stark. I told May I’d be home pretty soon. I’ll be back next week though, right?” He held his breath as he awaited an answer. 

Stark looked surprised at the question. “Yeah, of course. Maybe I’ll give you some tests of my own, just to see where you stand in different subjects. You know, you really surprised me today.”

Peter gave Stark an indifferent look to hide his excitement. He really had to get his shit together. The way that he had freaked out in front of his new boss was pathetic. 

The kid hurried out of the room as Stark watched awkwardly, both unaware of the green notebook that had made its way between the couch cushions

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for reading this chapter. Getting comments has really become the highlight of my day. You guys are so supportive and nice it’s really great! As always, kudos and comments are appreciated. Take care of yourself <3
> 
> I have a tumblr now, so come talk to me if that's something you want to do! It's [Astro_cat](https://astro-cat13.tumblr.com)


	6. Loneliness

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Was Stark still a hero to him? That was a hard question to answer. Of course Stark was a hero, he saved people’s lives. But Peter didn’t deserve a hero. When he would sit in his cell in HYDRA, he would remember how Iron Man saved him, but the thing was, Stark didn’t save Peter Parker.

Peter was distraught. 

He was distraught to the point where it was starting to be visibly shown in Peter’s expression and body language against his will. 

It wasn’t like he needed his chemistry notebook. Hell, he had all of the contents practically memorized. If it were up to him, he would have no notebooks in any class ever. 

But the thing was, he lost it. 

He put it somewhere and could not remember where it was. 

That never happened. He didn't just forget things. It left a bad taste in his mouth. Even May’s insistence that it ‘must be in the last place he left it’ couldn’t make the weird feeling in his stomach go away. 

It just wasn’t like him to lose things. 

On top of everything going on in Peter’s head with his memory, he also had to deal with the fact that he had totally embarrassed himself in front of his former childhood hero. 

Was Stark still a hero to him? That was a hard question to answer. Of course Stark was a hero, he saved people’s lives. But Peter didn’t deserve a hero. When he would sit in his cell in HYDRA, he would remember how Iron Man saved him, but the thing was, Stark didn’t save Peter Parker. 

He saved a kid, not a murderer. Not a weapon. Not an asset. If he had known what Peter would become, he probably would have done the world a favor and let him die. 

At least he had a whole weekend until he had to go back to Stark Tower. Maybe Mr. Stark would let him stay for a few more days before getting rid of him. He had actually kind of enjoyed having something to occupy his mind. 

Going home to May was nice. Peter still had trouble allowing himself to get attached. He knew that he’d probably have to get her out of her life someday, like everyone else in his life, but it was nice. 

As soon as he had gotten home, he had been enveloped in a hug and they ate thai food in front of the TV. It was special. It was a hard feeling to get used to, but it was also nice. 

Peter had to put all of his thoughts aside, though. This was serious. 

He had been tracking an alien weapons ring for a while, and he had a lead. After a session of information extraction, he found a temporary base. 

No, not quite torture, Spider-Man didn’t do that, but he had to admit that his time at HYDRA did enhance his infotmation-getting capabilities. 

And his senses. 

Shut up, Parker. 

Peter groaned as he shook his head at the voice in his ear. He then abruptly stopped when he realized that he looked like a madman. 

Anyway. He didn’t have high hopes for this lead, mainly because a person would only be stupid enough to reveal a base if it wasn’t going to be used, but he decided to go have a look anyway. Maybe he could get a better idea of what they were actually doing. 

When he approached what seemed to be an abandoned building, he checked his watch. 

Great, he still had a couple hours before he had to get back to avoid May noticing his absence. Pushing the looming mountain of homework that probably wasn’t going to get done and his spanish test that he had to study for out of his mind, Peter ran towards the chain-link fence and easily scaled it. He had half a mind to check for cameras, but he figured that if this was a secret criminal base, it wouldn’t have any. 

Upon entry into the building, it did not seem all that criminal-like. Old, yes. Abandoned, yes. But not all that suspicious. It actually kind of reminded Peter of the building he had lived in before he was reunited with May. 

Fuck. It’s not like Peter was actively hoping that the illegal weapons dealer was active, but this was his first lead in weeks.

Maybe that guy he interrogated was better at acting than he had thought. It seemed like Peter really came out here for no reason. 

Peter kept his guard up as he searched the building’s contents top to bottom. After nearly an hour of scrutinizing all of the contents of the seemingly abandoned building, Peter decided that it would be best to head back and make the most of his time by patrolling. 

That was, until he opened a closet as he was looking around. 

Peter’s mind was blown. Never in his years of being an asset of HYDRA had he seen a secret elevator. 

A secret elevator that could only be accessed with a fingerprint. Peter could have scoffed at the security. Why go to the lengths of having a whole secret elevator if you were just going to let practically anyone with a brain in?

Underneath Peter’s shield of confidence was a thin layer of uneasiness, but it would be fine. 

Peter scrambled to grab the tape dispenser that he had taken note of while he was first searching the building. He just had to find- aha! Peter triumphantly grabbed a hammer from the floor. No dust, so it must have been picked up recently? At least that’s what Peter was hoping. 

He also had to hope that the person who had used this hammer had access to the elevator. Taking a small piece of tape and sticking it onto the handle of the hammer, Peter lifted a fingerprint from the hammer. 

With a small smile on his face and a swell of pride in his chest, Peter grabbed a pencil from a cup on one of the desks and gently ran the graphite over the tape and- yes! Peter practically bolted to the closet with his piece of tape and stuck it on the sensor. 

He had to suppress the urge to squeal in excitement as the word ‘authenticated’ flashed on the screen and he heard the elevator begin to move up. 

Spider-Man didn’t squeal, and neither did Peter Parker. Nor pretty much any other rational individual, for that matter. 

When the doors slid open, Peter walked into the elevator and began his descent into the answers to all of his questions about this case. 

Or at least that was what he had hoped. 

As the doors slid open again, Peter could tell that this part of the building had been abandoned for far less time than the upper level, but it was still abandoned. 

Still determined to get as much information from this trip as he could, Peter began to look around. 

It was then that the sinking feeling in his stomach became a pitfall. The feeling rushed through his entire being. His head was throbbing and he couldn’t see. All he wanted to do was curl up into a ball and sob. He looked back down at the papers on the desk. 

Transaction approved. 

Transaction approved. 

Transaction approved. 

Transaction approved. 

All with the bright red seal of HYDRA staring Peter in his soul, reminding him of everything that he was, and everything that he would never be. 

\--------------

If Peter was on-edge before, he was panicking now. 

It’s not like he didn’t have a good reason, either. The terrorist organization that had made almost the entirety of his childhood hell was in New York. It was alive, and well off enough to do secret transactions with illegal weapons dealers apparently. 

Peter had expected that HYDRA still existed in some form, you know, cut off one head and three more will take its place or whatever, but this was very existent. Surprisingly doing very well. 

‘Well enough to take you back. Well enough to strap you to a chair and turn your brain into oatmeal and force you to kill May or Ned or Mr.Stark.’ The voice was especially present today, but Peter did all that he could to silence it on his way home. The sun was rising, and if Peter’s mental state wasn’t in shambles he probably would have stopped to appreciate the beauty of the sky. 

Peter did his best to stop his hands from shaking as he slid through his bedroom window. He couldn’t be visibly panicking when May woke up, because when he freaked out then May freaked out, which made him freak out even more. 

It would be fine. There was just a terrorist organization that was active in New York, which probably meant that it was active in a bunch of places, and there was nothing Peter could do to take it down because he was weak and pathetic and- 

Oh god. 

Peter hadn’t noticed how much his thoughts were spiralling until his stomach gave an almighty lurch. 

Please no. 

He barely made it to the bathroom before he collapsed on the floor and began to empty the contents of his stomach into the toilet bowl until he was dry-heaving. 

They were coming for him. He’d rather die than go back. He should do himself and the world a favor and end it all now before he could hurt anyone else. 

Peter quickly flushed the toilet as his ears picked up on the creaking of his aunt’s bedroom door opening. 

By the time she walked past the bathroom door, Peter was up from the floor and brushing his teeth. 

“God, kiddo. You look like hell.” May’s concerned tone gave Peter the warm feeling that it always did, even though he knew that he’d probably have to leave her sooner than he previously thought that he would. 

“Mmm?” Peter spit out the toothpaste and rinsed out his mouth. “I’m fine, May. Just up late studying for that big spanish test.” 

May seemed to believe him as she left to go make breakfast. Or attempt to, anyway. 

After some time staring in the mirror, Peter smelled something burning and decided that it was probably time to splash some water on his face and go pretend like everything was ok. 

And so that’s what he did. 

Peter was actually pretty impressed with himself. May didn’t seem to notice that his mental state was any different from what it was the day before. He smiled as his aunt placed some toast in front of him. It wasn’t even that burned this time. 

“Okay- okay. I wasn’t going to burn it this time but I got distracted and-”

Peter cut her off with a small smile. “May, it looks really good. Thank you.” May chuckled at her nephew’s tone and Peter barely even flinched when she reached over to ruffle his hair. 

“Manners, I see. Quite a change from yesterday, huh?” Peter’s stomach sank even though he could see in her expression that she was only teasing him. 

“Yeah… I guess I was just upset about my notebook. I’m sorry, May.” Peter tried to keep his tone light to match May’s, but the way his voice strained at the last part of the apology made his aunt frown. 

“You’ll find it, kiddo. It’s just misplaced.” Peter nodded along with her cheerful words. After a slight pause, May made a proposition that tore at Peter’s mind. “Hey, I have today off. Do you want to walk to the park and get ice cream?” 

No. Peter wanted to go out and take down a terrorist organization that he had no hope of taking down entirely, if at all. Even if he worked day and night for months, there’s no way he would even be able to stop the New York branch from whatever they were here to do. It was hopeless. 

“I don’t know, May.” Peter was only barely able to keep his voice from shaking. “I kinda have a lot of homework to do today-” Peter trailed off and looked at his aunt’s expression. It was a mix of concern and something else that Peter couldn’t place. 

“Peter.” May was smiling softly but her eyes still looked sad. “If you’re busy you don’t have to go, but I think it would be nice, wouldn’t it?” Peter nodded slowly as May got up and hugged him before continuing her thought. 

“You know, you get to be a kid too.” 

Peter had to restrain himself from crying at her comment. No, no he didn’t. He wasn’t a normal kid, and he didn’t deserve nice things. 

“Sure.” His voice was tight, but free of tears. “Just- we need to be back before too long. I really do have a lot of work.” As Peter got up to go back to his bedroom, May muttered a fond comment about how he was working so hard. 

If only she knew. 

When he got to his bedroom, Peter sank down into the chair in front of his desk. With May home, he couldn’t risk going out on patrol no matter how badly he wanted to. 

He could, however, try to acquire information by other means. 

Peter began typing furiously on the keyboard of his computer that may or may not have been found in a dumpster near his school. 

Hey, if it works it works. One of the best parts of refurbishing old tech was that it was very hard to track. Impossible, even. Well, as long as you know what you’re doing. 

Peter cracked his knuckles and set off to work hacking SHIELD. 

\--------------

When May poked her head into Peter’s bedroom door, he didn’t have any more information than he had started with. 

It wasn’t like he had been working for all that long, but it seemed like SHIELD knew less about this new HYDRA division than Peter did. He guesses that makes sense, though. If SHIELD had known about this it probably would have been taken down already. 

“Ready to go, kiddo?” Peter sighed and got up from his computer. He might as well go, he wasn’t making any progress here anyway.

“Sure, May. Let’s go.” 

\--------------

Ice cream was nice. Peter had gotten to spend some time with May, which he hadn’t been able to do in a while. 

It did, however, mean that he was unable to go patrolling until pretty late at night. As good as Peter was at hiding his fatigue normally, 48 hours awake was really pushing the limits of his acting ability. 

Peter chuckled at the idea of himself being compared to an actor, not even having the energy to care that the people around him in his homeroom were all staring at him, probably in part due to the eye bags. 

Spider-Man: The Musical. He’d be famous. As Peter erupted into another fit of giggles, Ned pulled him aside. 

“Dude, you’re so out of it today.” Peter tried to smile comfortingly when he heard his friend’s concerned tone, but it came out as more of a grimace. “Just-” Ned put his hand on Peter’s shoulder only to yank it off as he noticed Peter stiffen. “Peter, did you sleep at all last night?” 

“Yeah, man. Totally. I- uh, just… didn’t get that much?”

Ned nodded his head solemnly. “Peter, it’s ok. You can talk to me.” He looked around and lowered his voice. “Nightmares?” 

Peter saw red. He didn’t need people ‘checking up’ on him. He could handle himself. 

“I’m fine.” 

Seeing Ned’s face fall at his harsh tone, Peter immediately begins to drown in regret. “No, Ned. I’m really sorry. I’m just tired and that’s not your fault. Please-” Peter stopped talking. 

‘Please what? Please don’t be mad at me even though you have every right to be mad because I’m an awful friend? Please don’t leave me alone even though I don’t deserve things like friends?’

The voice in Peter’s head went on even though Ned had quickly smiled and said that it was fine. 

The voice was ever-present throughout the rest of Peter’s day, hissing even louder with each teacher that gave him another disapproving look after he failed to turn in any homework, or turned in assignments that he had scrambled to finish before homeroom. 

‘You don’t deserve to be here.’

‘They’re wasting their time even trying with you. You’re nothing.’

‘You can’t do anything right. The sheer idea that you think you could be Free is pathetic. The only place you ever have or will be worth anything is-’

No. That’s a lie. That’s-

Peter kept his hands clenched in his pockets to avoid ripping out his hair as he trudged over to the sleek black car that contained a not-so-happy Happy. 

After wiping off the little crescent moons of blood that had appeared on his hands, Peter pulled the car door open and quietly slid inside. Sensing the anger in the air, he didn’t even try to open his mouth before Happy began to lecture him. 

“Honestly, Parker. You’d think that I would be able to expect just a little punctuality from someone working for Stark Industries. I’ve been sitting here for almost half an hour. Where have you been?” 

Shit, Happy was actually mad. He was even starting to sound a little bit like Keller when Peter didn’t follow orders. 

“I was-” Peter grit his teeth and started over and tried to keep his voice from shaking. “I’m sorry you had to wait for me, s- uh, Mr. Happy. One of my teachers kept me late.”

“Are you really that irresponsible? Seriously-” Happy’s eyes widened in shock as he and Peter locked eyes in the rearview mirror. 

“What happened to you? You look like shit.” 

Peter felt his face heat up. God, why couldn’t people just stop asking him that? It was so annoying. 

“Didn’t sleep well,” he mumbled. 

The rest of the car trip was uneventful, but still pretty nerve-wracking for Peter. What if Mr. Stark wanted to talk about how he had kind of lost it a couple days ago?

It would be fine. At least he knew where to go this time. 

He entered Stark Tower feeling more confident than he had the last time. He showed his badge to the person at the desk, and made his way to the room that FRIDAY had led him too. 

Expecting to find Stark’s lab blasting music so loud that it hurt his ears even with the door closed, Peter was surprised to find the door to the lab open and Mr. Stark sitting on the couch, music-less. 

Setting his bag down as he entered the room, Peter mustered up as cheerful of a tone as he could. “So, uh, Mr. Stark. What am I going to be doing today?” 

Instead of answering Peter’s question, Stark just looked at Peter solemnly. After a moment of silence, he made a declaration that put Peter’s mind into full panic mode. 

“Kid, I need to talk to you about something.”

Oh no. He knew. Stark knew, he had found out somehow. Now Peter would be tortured to find information about HYDRA and then he’d be sent to the Raft or the Icebox-

His thoughts came screeching to a halt as Stark held up his green chemistry notebook.

What?

His mind quickly goes back to panic mode as Stark opened the notebook to the last page with writing on it and looked at him expectantly. 

The page with the various failed formulas for his web fluid. 

“Spider-Man, huh?” 

Well, shit.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for reading this! Comments really mean a lot, so if you have time to leave feedback please do. I hope you're doing well. Please take care of yourself <3
> 
> I have a tumblr now, so come talk to me if that's something you want to do! It's [Astro_cat](https://astro-cat13.tumblr.com)


	7. Loss

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> For someone with so many secrets, Peter sure is bad at keeping them.

“Don’t tell May.”

Peter’s heart was racing. Stark knew. He was done for. 

Well, he didn’t KNOW know. If anything, Peter should probably be glad that his boss only found out about that part of him. The rest was much darker. 

“Kid…” Stark’s face adopted an even more concerned expression than it had worn before. He gently placed Peter’s notebook on the kid’s lap, still open to the page that exhibited only the smallest and most noble out of Peter’s array of secrets. “She doesn’t know?” 

Heat rushed to Peter’s face as he stared at his shoes. “No. Nobody knows. Please-” 

“Why?” The billionaire quickly cut Peter off, almost as if he couldn’t even fathom the idea of Peter keeping this hidden. 

Probably because he couldn’t. He had announced it to the world the second he decided to be a hero, but that was different. 

Peter was different. 

First of all, he was a criminal. If someone dug deep enough, they would find that and he’d be imprisoned or worse-

‘Like you deserve’

And second of all, Peter wasn’t a hero. Sure, he helped people, but the Avengers saved the world. Peter was just your friendly neighborhood Spider-Man, and he wanted it to stay that way. 

He decided to tell a half-truth rather than lie outright. “She’d make me stop.” Peter forced himself to look in his boss’s eyes instead of the ground. “If you can do the things I can, and you don’t, and then the bad things happen… it’s on you.” 

Stark’s expression softened. “Okay.” He rubbed his hands over his face and took a breath. “I’ve been watching this Spider-Guy, well I guess I’ve been watching you, for a while. Who manufactured your gear? Do you know for sure that they’ll keep quiet or-”

“I did.” 

“You… what? Made sure the guy would stay quiet?”

The misunderstanding almost made Peter chuckle. “No, I-” Realization dawned on him midway through the sentence. “Does this mean you won’t tell anyone?” His voice came out a little more terrified than he would have liked, but what are you going to do? 

The billionaire sighed. “Kid, I know I’m going to regret this, but to me it seems like the best thing I can do for you is help you.”

Peter’s eyes lit up. Working together with Mr. Stark? Working with Iron Man? A small part of him felt guilty. He shouldn’t take help that he didn’t deserve, and he sure as hell shouldn’t trick a superhero into helping a villain. 

But maybe he didn’t have to be a villain. 

He was trying. He was trying so hard to help people, but Peter still didn’t know when he would be able to think of himself as anything other than a villain. Did he deserve to be seen as anything other than a villain? 

‘No.’

Peter couldn’t tell if that was the voice talking, common sense, or both. 

“Now, seriously kid. You have to answer my question.” Stark groaned in response to Peter’s obvious confusion. “Your gear, kid. Who manufactured it? You must know, right?” 

This time, Peter really did chuckle. “I already told you. I did.” 

Stark looked blown away by this fact, which only added to Peter’s amusement. 

“I- kid. You manufactured it? But the webs! That’s amazing.” Peter stays quiet throughout Stark's numerous exclamations. 

Getting praise about this kind of stuff felt super weird. He didn’t deserve to be praised and he knew that, but it was actually nice. 

Peter felt awful that he was accepting things that he shouldn’t have. He was trying to be good, and good people don’t do that. 

‘Good spiders don’t step out of line. Good spiders take what’s coming to them.” 

Stark’s face falls from the strange mix of surprise and delight that it had been wearing to a serious one yet again. Oh god, why was this conversation such a rollercoaster?

‘Because it shouldn’t be happening.’ Peter wanted so badly to ignore the voice like he usually did, but it was so loud. 

‘Danger. Run away now while you can.’ 

Peter stays firmly in his seat as the billionaire begins to tentatively speak. 

“There is one thing though, kid.” 

Oh no. Was he going to the Raft after all? He knew that the accords had been denied, but was he still somehow in opposition of them? His terror must not have been masked well enough, because Stark seemed even more concerned when he began to explain. 

“Don’t worry, it’s nothing bad. I just- if you’re going to keep this from May, I feel like I need to take some responsibility for your well-being. I mean, so you aren't in this alone, you know?”

No, he didn’t know. He’s been alone all his life-

‘Not all,’ the voice reminds him, as his mind flashes back to a silent man in a cold room that Peter has long sworn to forget. 

He couldn’t trust others with what he was working on. It wasn’t safe for other people to get involved in his mess. 

‘HYDRA isn’t here for you, dumbass. Other people are already involved, whether they like it or not.’ 

Well, that was a terrifying thought. 

Realistically, Peter knew that they were here to do terrible things which would hurt people. By not telling Mr. Stark, a literal Avenger, about this threat, he is actively costing people’s lives. Who is he to put innocent people in jeopardy just to keep a criminal out of prison? So what, he’d be arrested eventually? He deserved it. He’d done terrible things, and anything was better than being rediscovered by HYDRA. 

He should get help with this case. Hell, he should speed up the process and just turn himself in. 

‘No.’ 

He couldn’t. He actually could not physically turn himself in. After HYDRA, he’d rather kill himself than be confined like that again, even if he wouldn’t have to kill people this time, and that wasn’t an exaggeration. 

But when did his wishes mean anything? He was worth nothing, and he was being selfish. 

“Mr. Stark.” The man’s head turned in surprise as Peter’s wavering voice cut through the silence like a razor-sharp knife. “There is one thing that I-”

He what? Needs help with? Is too pathetic to take care of alone?

“Well, I guess I think you could do a better job taking care of it.” Peter’s voice was smaller than he could remember it being. 

Well, this was it. He’d tell this to Mr. Stark, and he’d eventually take this branch down.

And find all of Peter’s records. He wasn't naive enough to believe that everything had been destroyed when he left, there were surely at least some records. 

And then Peter would go to prison. Simple enough. 

‘No, not simple enough. You can’t do that again, you can’t go back-’

No one else deserved to go through what he had gone through. 

“HYDRA is in New York.” Peter almost felt bad as Mr. Stark’s eyes filled up with terror. Yeah, he had been there too. He knew how that felt. 

“Explain.” Stark’s harsh tone was understandable, but it still made Peter flinch. 

“I’ve been tracking these alien weapons dealers-”

The man cuts him off with a hand in the air. “That’s- illegal weapons dealers? What? That’s way too dangerous for you to be doing. I-” Instead of continuing, he takes a deep breath. “Okay. Continue.” 

It pained Peter to oblige, but it was necessary. 

‘No it’s not. You just want an excuse to kill yourse-’

Peter brought his mind back to something- anything else before gathering the courage to elaborate on his accusation. That was a disturbing thought. 

“I was following some informa- well, uh, a lead on the case-” shit. Was that how normal people talked? Was he talking like a HYDRA agent would or-

Taking a breath, he continued. “I just saw some papers with the HYDRA logo, so I just thought I should tell you so you can keep an eye out.”

Keep an eye out? He’s talking about a terrorist organization, not writing a friendly email. And was it a logo? What did you even call that kind of thing? An emblem? 

Tony sucked in a breath through his nose, and Peter could hear his heart rate pick up. 

“FRI, can you look through our resources? Is there- well, anything about this anywhere?” 

“No, boss. Nothing.” 

“Okay.” The man rubbed his hands over his face and sighed. “Keep a lookout, FRI. In the meantime,” he says as he points at Peter, “you.” 

Peter felt his heart rate pick up. 

‘He knows he knows he knows he knows he knows he-’

“Do you think it would be okay for me to take a look at your- er- suit?” The billionaire seemed to almost snicker at the thought of calling Peter’s sweatsuit a suit, which Peter took personal offence to. 

‘Not all of us have the kind of money you do, asshole.’ 

No, Peter corrects the voice, not asshole. Vaguely decent person. 

“Yeah, sir- er, I mean, Mr. Stark, I actually have it here.” Peter gestured awkwardly at his bag that was still lying on the floor near the entrance as Mr. Stark’s eyebrows raised in surprise. 

“I was planning on patrolling after this.” Peter looked at the floor as he made the statement, which seemed even more pathetic than it usually did in his head. 

‘It was always pathetic.’ 

Here he was, a 15 year old whose only purpose is to be an asset, telling a literal superhero that he planned to ‘go on patrol.’ Like he was some kind of hero. 

“To be honest, I already have some ideas. I’ve been watching you for a while now, and I’m more interested in your webs. These formulas are brilliant, how did you manufacture them?” 

“I-” Peter cut himself off. The final formula wasn’t in the book that Stark saw. If Peter revealed how to make his webs, it would be revealing a big part of himself. Not to mention how risky it would be to give Stark an opportunity to steal his formulas-

No. 

He was just a weapon, he shouldn’t have the capacity to make weapons of his own. Also, his technology could help people. Keeping it away from Stark for his own selfish reasons would be just as bad as killing thousands. 

After all, someone had to continue developing tech after he was sent to prison. 

“Let me go get it.” 

Peter went and got his Spider-Man supplies out of the secret compartment in the bottom of his school bag and had to resist the urge to shove them back in when he saw the billionaire’s eyes light up. 

Instead, he brought his armful of sweatsuit and web formula over to the main work surface. 

In spite of everything, he almost smiles as Mr. Stark begins to excitedly ramble about his plans and ideas. 

It was almost like he was worth something. 

‘Don’t be ridiculous. Of course you’re not.” 

Still, it was a nice feeling. 

\--------------

Peter and Mr. Stark had worked on upgrades to his suit for a considerable amount of time, only stopping when Peter received a somewhat frantic text message from Aunt May concerning why he wasn’t home yet. 

As distressing as the idea was that Mr. Stark’s newfound knowledge would ultimately land Peter in prison, it made internship days something that Peter could really look forward to. 

It was almost like he wasn’t alone in this. Maybe he didn’t have to be alone.

‘You’re being foolish.’ 

However foolish he was being, it didn’t matter. At least not right now. 

Everything seemed completely out of his control, which was obviously terrible, but at the same time not really. 

On one hand, he would probably be either dead or in the Raft before the month was over. This was concerning, but also kind of freeing in a weird way. 

Nothing Peter does matters. He could die the next day, or disappear off the side of the earth, and everything would be the same. 

‘Is that really any different than things always were?’ 

What was important was that HYDRA can be taken down without him now. Of course, Peter was going to try to stay alive and in a condition where he could still patrol. The thing was, that may not be possible. 

But Peter was tired of running. Not only that, but he was also tired of trying. 

He tried so hard to help, to make himself worth something. 

Worth anything. 

In the meantime, he’d help as much as he could. 

He had plenty of time to patrol, considering that he had a break from the internship for at least a week. Maybe longer. 

Mr. Stark had been super unclear when giving Peter the news. Apparently the entire team had to take some time off to help ‘rehabilitate an asset coming in from Wakanda.’ Personally, Peter thought that referring to a person as an ‘asset’ was rude, but that’s what all of the news outlets were saying, and Mr. Stark never offered a name.

A pretty sketchy situation.

But Peter decided to worry about that later. He didn’t have much time left, and there was one aspect of his life that had been severely neglected, so spending time in that aspect became a priority. 

Which was why Peter found himself sitting on the floor of his bedroom with Ned, preparing himself for an ultimate Star Wars movie binging, lego death star building, snack food eating extravaganza. 

Ned had actually gotten the lego set a while before, but Peter had never been available for long enough to build it, so Ned had just saved the toy for a day that Peter wasn’t sure would actually come. 

Naturally, the first thing Peter did after finding out he had time off and therefore could skip a night of patrolling without feeling too bad was call May and ask if Ned could sleep over.

May was just happy that he had a friend. 

When Peter told his best friend that he was finally available to hang out, Ned had almost cried. 

And that made Peter feel like shit. 

Who did he think he was? He had time to be selfish and work on a new suit but he couldn’t spend time with one of the only people in the world who really knew him? 

Ned had taken it all in stride. Once the bedroom door had closed, he had begun to bombard Peter with excitement and painfully nice comments. 

‘You don’t deserve him.’

Peter knew.

“Dude, how haven’t I been here before? Your room is so cool! Oh hey-”

Peter has to stifle a giggle as his friend cuts off his own rambling to dig in his bulging duffel bag. 

Ned’s face lights up as he triumphantly holds up a bag of chips. “Salt and vinegar! The superior flavor.” 

Peter can’t help but agree with his friend on that one. 

He almost forgets all of his troubles as he sat down and listened to the ramblings of his best friend, and their evening ended up being great. It had been so long since Peter got to relax and do something he enjoyed, and he had never seen Ned so content. 

They had stayed up until ungodly hours of the morning binging Star Wars. (The original trilogy, obviously.)

When the boys had finally decided that it was time to go to sleep, Peter volunteered to change in the bathroom. As much as trusted Ned, he still couldn’t change clothes in the same room as another person without feeling the ghost of cold hands slipping down his body, down, down, down-  
But it was okay. Peter was calm. 

Things were fine. Things were actually perfect. 

That is, until Peter heard Ned’s heart rate skyrocket through the bathroom wall, followed by a loud crash. 

No. No!

Peter felt himself begin to hyperventilate as he barreled toward his bedroom. 

‘It’s HYDRA. They’ve got him.’

If anything had happened, it was Peter’s fault. He should have cut himself out of Ned’s life when he had the chance. He-

Static flooded his ears as he flung the bedroom door open. 

Ned was staring back at him with eyes the size of saucers, surrounded by a pile of books that had seemingly been knocked down from his bookshelf, and the mask of his new Spider-Man suit clenched in his fist. 

Fuck. 

“Peter-”

How was he so careless? That was two people! And Ned wasn’t enhanced, so he was in danger. 

Knowing Peter had put him in danger. And Peter wasn’t going to be around for long enough to protect him. 

Peter’s throat became tight as he looked into Ned’s eyes, which showed more emotion than Peter had been allowed to express in the majority of his life. 

“Dude, I forgot pajamas and I thought I could just borrow some from you and-” Ned trailed off as he gestured at the piece of cloth in his hands. “Are you Spider-Man?”

Peter’s mind suddenly buzzed to life once again. “You can’t tell anyone.” He brought himself to look into his friend’s eyes again, and was surprised by the sheer excitement present there.

Did he think this was a game? Surely Ned didn’t understand the severity of the situation. The lives at stake, his own life being at stake-  
“You’re a superhero! That’s so cool!” 

“No! No, Ned. I’m not a superhero I just-” Peter has to take a breath to calm himself down. Ned was just trying to be supportive, he didn’t deserve to be snapped at. 

“Please.” He reaches a shaking hand out to touch his best friend’s wrist. “You don’t understand how dangerous it is for you to even know this. You can’t tell anyone, okay?” 

Ned frowned in apparent confusion. “Peter, no. If people at school knew that you were Spider-” Peter slapped his hand over his friend’s mouth and gave him a stern look before allowing him to continue. “If people knew you did- that, then you’d be so popular. We’d be so popular! No one would ever pick on us-” 

Peter quickly shook his head at the idea. “Ned.” His friend seemed to recognize his dark tone and went still. “You have to promise me that you will never tell anyone, okay? Never ever. If the public finds out who I am, you need to deny that you knew. Hell, if you can you need to deny knowing me.”

Ned’s face suddenly adopted a concerned expression. “Peter, are you in trouble?”

Peter’s expression softened. He couldn’t bring Ned into this any more than he already was. “No, just in case. Please can you-”

“Okay, I promise.” 

After a few moments of sitting in an awkward silence, Ned’s face lit up. 

“Dude, can I be your guy in the chair?” 

In spite of the serious situation, Peter started laughing. “Dude, what?” 

Ned stood up excitedly. “You know, in all of the superhero movies there’s a guy in the chair who helps the cool guy! I can be yours.”

“Dude, you are cool. I don’t know, though. I don’t really work with people, so...”

Peter caught himself as he saw Ned’s face fall. 

“You’ll be my first choice if that ever changes.”

They both fell asleep with content expressions on their faces. Everything was perfect. 

That is, until Peter was awoken by an alert on his phone from an unknown number.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for reading this chapter! Sorry for the late update, I'll try to continue updating at least once a week. I don't know if it matters, but you'll notice I increased the number of expected chapters hehe. Well, I don't know if that's a good or bad thing for you, but yeah. There will still be generally the same amount of content as I had planned, but some stuff took up more chapter space than I had expected. (And a lot of the chapters just turn into Peter's brain being mean to him oops). Anyway, I hope you're enjoying this so far. Please leave comments, I love reading them and they all make me very happy :). Please take care of yourself, I love all of you.
> 
> I have a tumblr now, so come talk to me if that's something you want to do! It's [Astro_cat](https://astro-cat13.tumblr.com)


	8. Findings

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> How could he have expected this to be easy?
> 
> Nothing in Peter’s life is ever easy.

So, Spider-Man stuff was definitely not going as Peter had previously planned. 

It was supposed to be one time. One singular occurrence of him helping Mr. Stark clean up some small Avengers business while the rest of the team was busy. 

Many questions had been plaguing Peter’s mind since he did that one singular good act.

First of all, why did Mr. Stark even let him help that one time? That was a job for a hero, not Peter. 

Also, why did Mr. Stark call him and ask if he could help out with something else again in a few days? Especially with the rest of the team there this time.

And the final question, the most pressing question that Peter had been puzzling over for the past 24 hours, was why the everloving fuck he agreed. 

Why did he think that was a good idea? What part of him thought that agreeing to meet the Avengers was a good move right now? 

He didn’t even know what he’d be working on.

Peter was beginning to regret his decision to even go on one ‘mission,’ however small it may have been. Turns out that the media was very interested in a new figure patrolling alongside Iron Man, even if they were just doing some cleanup from the recent earthquake and not fighting aliens or something. 

People were noticing him on the street after pictures of him and Iron Man got out. 

The few videos of Spider-Man that had been on the internet for a while suddenly got thousands of views, and it was honestly terrifying. 

People were looking at him now. The news outlets were already speculating on when he’d join the Avengers and reveal his identity, and it was way too much.

They called him a hero. Some people and news outlets were wary about this abrupt rise of a new figure, but many others started looking up to him after just that one instance.

‘Just more people to disappoint.’

The expectations were so high, and he was the only one that knew that he wouldn’t be around for long enough to meet them. 

He just wanted to be a friendly neighborhood Spider-Man while he still had the chance. 

One very surprising thing that had come out of Peter’s newfound time in the spotlight was that one of his biggest fans at Midtown was, in fact, Flash Thompson. 

Flash’s unsolicited Spider-Man rants were proving to be Peter’s sole distraction from the fact that he’d literally be sitting down in an Avengers meeting in less than 24 hours. 

“I’m telling you, Spider-Man could kick the Hulk’s ass any day. I mean, are you kidding? The Hulk is just some scientist who turns into a monster when he’s mad. Spider-Man is Spider-Man!”

Peter glanced across his homeroom class to Ned, who was visibly shaking with laughter as he met Peter’s eyes. 

Frankly, Peter had to take a deep breath and stop himself from yelling at Flash for disrespecting one of his favorite scientists of all time.

Honestly, who would even think to compare him to Banner?

“No one asked you, Flash.” 

Peter smirked as some girl he didn’t know that well voiced the thought that everyone in the room was having. 

“I’m just saying that he should be getting more credit than he does. He’s a hero, he can do no wrong. How many people do you know like that?”

With that, Peter practically burst out laughing. God, was this really how people thought?

“Why are you laughing, Penis?”

As serious as the situation was, the sheer hostility right after the high praise made Peter laugh even harder. 

“Where are your parents? You’re just some screw-up orphan that no one wants, Penis. Even your aunt probably never wanted you.” 

Wow. Harsh. Points for research, though. Peter looked up to see Flash visibly angry, probably at the lack of reaction his bullying was receiving. 

“Spider-Man’s three times the man you’ll ever be.”

Wasn’t that the truth. 

Of course he’d never be as good as Spider-Man. Spider-Man was made up. 

Sure he really helped people, but he was just pretending to be something that he wasn’t. Every day of his life now was going around and pretending to be someone that he wasn’t, and it wasn’t going to end until he was either dead or imprisoned, both of which were equally likely to happen before the month ended. 

The thing that Peter felt most guilty about was that he didn’t want to stop pretending. 

He didn’t really want to be a weapon or an asset anymore. His days of being a soldier for HYDRA were honestly some of his worst, even if that was his purpose. 

He wanted to be a regular kid. The past few months of pretending, however stressful, had proven to be the best few months of his life. Well, that he could remember at least. 

He had a friend. He had an aunt who seemed to love him, at least as far as he could tell. As guilty as he felt lying to the only people he had liked even a little bit since he was a small kid in a cell with the man with dark hair, he wanted to hold onto it for as long as he could.

Just for a little longer. 

Now that he had something the next day to dread, the day seemed to fly by. Before he knew it, he was sitting in the cafeteria with Ned. 

He loved Ned. He would literally die for his only friend. 

But sometimes he could be pretty fucking annoying. 

This was one of those times. 

“PETER! YOU GET TO MEET THE AVENGERS?”

Peter cringed and quickly motioned for his friend to lower his voice. In reality, his voice wasn’t all that loud, but still. 

“Yeah, Ned, and I’m-” Peter sighed and darted his head to check if anyone was nearby before leaning closer to Ned. “I’m fucking scared, okay? I want you to distract me, not remind me of it!”

Ned’s mouth formed an O-shape as his eyes widened in realization. 

“Okay, sorry dude. But like, you don’t have to be scared. You’re honestly the same as them.”

Before Peter could correct him, Ned was already going on a rant about the chem project they had just been assigned. 

He really did love his friend. 

\--------------

“Where is it?” 

Peter and May were scrambling around the small apartment looking for Peter’s Stark Tower ID. Of course, he wouldn’t actually need it since he’d be dressed as Spider-Man the whole time to protect his identity, but it was best to keep May from getting too suspicious. 

More people finding out would just mean that he was putting more people in danger. 

“I don’t know, May. I swear I just had it- Aha!”

Peter shimmied out from under his bed, holding his ID triumphantly in his hand. May ran into the room and sighed in relief. 

“Thank goodness. Now,” She gestured at Peter’s backpack that was on the floor and somehow spilling all of its contents all over the apartment, “Put it with your stuff so you don’t lose it again, goofball.” Peter smiled as he complied. 

“I still don’t know why Stark is making you come in for so long. And on a Saturday!” May crossed her arms as she complained, and Peter hastily sputtered out the explanation that Tony had given him. 

“Well, uh, he’s going on a mission today but it’s also really close to a deadline for some products that the company wants to release this summer? Yeah. And, um, some of it is super low-level and Mr. Stark thought I could get it done by myself, but I have to get it done today. During the- Mr. Stark’s mission.” 

Peter grimaced at how genuinely fake that seemed. How is he still such a terrible liar?

“I have to tell you, I am not a fan of that Stark. I mean, seriously? He’s asking you to come and cover for him while he’s off doing dangerous things. You see anything like that, and you run away, okay?”

“Of course, May.” Peter’s tone was guilty as he reassured his aunt, and they fell into an awkward silence until Peter decided that it was time for him to make an exit. 

“Okay, May. I think I’m going to head out now, you know just so I’m not late-” Peter was cut off as his aunt pulled him into an embrace and whispered a quick “I love you” as she let go. As much as Peter stiffened at the unexpected touch, it was nothing compared to how the little voice in his head began to scream as he heard his aunt’s words. 

He hated how the words always made him freeze. He actually did love his aunt, and he really wanted her to love him too. There was really very little that Peter wanted more than for them to be a real family. 

But that wasn’t possible, because you can’t love someone if you don’t know who they are. 

Inevitably, at some time in Peter’s life, people would find out who he is and what he has done. Probably sooner than later. And when that happened, May wouldn’t love him anymore. She couldn’t, because who in their right mind would?

“Love you too, May.” 

\--------------

The journey to Stark Tower was pretty difficult, although Peter would never admit that out loud. 

It would have been so easy to simply turn around, patrol for a few hours, and then go back to his apartment and pretend that nothing even happened. In fact, it was a pretty tempting option. The avengers were obviously already on whatever case this was, so Peter didn’t see why his assistance was even needed. 

In spite of all this, Peter found himself in full Spider-Man gear inside the elevator of Stark Tower, bringing him to a meeting that he really did not want to have to go to. 

‘But what you want is irrelevant. You don’t deserve wants.’

One of the main reasons that Peter had even agreed to help out with this mysterious case was that Mr. Stark had eventually agreed to let Peter keep his mask on the whole time. Apparently that was a ‘fucking nightmare’ to get Secratary Ross to agree with, but Peter couldn’t let more people find out who he was for real, even if that identity was also a lie. 

It was too close to the truth. 

And so, this is how Peter found himself standing awkwardly in front of a closed door, which he was pretty sure led to the room where the meeting would take place. 

He could hear a few people behind the door, but it was a big building so there was really no way to be sure if the room was the right one. 

Or what if he was too early? He had left the apartment pretty early to make sure he wasn’t late, but it was a genuine concern now. Maybe he wasn’t supposed to be here yet. 

‘Or maybe it’s all a prank. Or a trap. Stark knows who you are, he has so much tech on his side. He was just seeing how far you’d go with this game of make-believe. Maybe-’

Peter jumped as a hand landed on his shoulder. 

“Spider-Man?” The calm voice is laced with humor. Peter whipped his body around to see none other than the Black Widow. Or, rather, Natasha Romanov in a t-shirt and sweatpants. 

Man does he feel overdressed here. 

“Oh- uh… I was just-” Peter cut himself off and was suddenly thankful for the mask hiding the red tinge that appeared on his face. 

“Going in?” Romanov smirked as she opened the door that Peter had been staring at for the past couple of minutes and walked inside. 

Seems like it was the right door after all. 

Peter scrambled in after her and sat down in the chair closest to the door before looking up from the floor and freezing. 

Across from him, Natasha took a seat next to Steve Rogers, Sam Wilson, and Clint Barton. 

His head began to rush as other people began to filter into the meeting room. Realizing he had to calm down somehow before the meeting started, Peter took a few deep breaths through the mask.

Peter was in a room with Captain America. Okay. No big deal, just-

‘Why is Captain America such a big deal?’

Peter could feel a memory tug at the front of his brain, but he willed it away with a deep breath. 

All attempts to calm himself down screeched to a halt as Bruce Banner walked into the room and sat a few chairs away from him. 

The Bruce Banner. The man who revolutionized human knowledge about gamma rays and made huge advancements in pretty much all medical and biological fields. 

How could Peter even hope to stay calm?

“Oh my god, Dr. Banner.” Peter was just as surprised as Banner looked as Peter uttered the sentence. “Uh- I-” Peter took a breath to keep himself from stammering, suddenly aware of how the room had suddenly fallen silent and everyone else was looking at him. “I’m just a really big fan of your work- I mean-” His face got even redder as he looked up and saw everyone’s identical smirking faces. “I just find it really cool.” 

Banner actually seems kinda impressed. Huh, maybe that didn’t sound as embarrassing as Peter thought it did.

“Thanks, kid.” 

The room remained quiet as Peter looked at the floor mortified. 

‘Kid. Kid. Kid. Kid.”

Was he really that obvious?

“I- I’m-”

Peter’s stammering automatically cut off as Tony walked into the room, somehow managing to both wear a crazy expensive suit and seem totally disheveled. 

“Okay, team. Ready to listen to this jackass?” The billionaire chuckled as everyone else groaned. 

“Stark, can you at least pretend to be professional?” Natasha’s tone was free of humor, which seemed to put a damper on Tony’s mood. 

He plopped himself into the chair beside Peter and crossed his arms. “Sorry, Sorry. Jeez, I was just trying to get it out of my system.”

After a disapproving shake of the head, Sam Wilson vocalized a question that seemed to have been on everyone’s minds since Peter walked into the room. “What’s with the new guy, Stark? I get that he’s worked with you before, but why is he here now?”

As much as Peter hated being talked about as if he wasn’t even there, he had to admit that he had no idea either. 

“Because the kid’s talented.” Stark leaned back in his chair, seemingly not even realizing his mistake while Peter’s head throbbed with anxiety. 

“Wait, exactly how old is this guy, Tony?” Wilson’s tone was stern as he folded his arms across his chest. An expression of realization and panic spread across Tony’s face, making Peter feel even more blood rush to his head. 

‘This is why you can’t trust people. This is all your fault for being so stupid.’

That was true. Peter could never forgive himself if his secret was let out because someone else was too careless to keep it. 

‘But why would he care? You’re not worth it.’

Peter watched as Stark brought a hand up to his neck, tugging at the collar of his suit uncomfortably, and cracked what seemed to be his idea of a joke. 

“I don’t know, I didn’t carbon-date him.”

The room fell uncomfortably silent, and everyone jumped simultaneously as an alert flashed up on the screen saying that Ross would be virtually joining the meeting in five minutes. 

“Um, Tony…” Peter snapped his attention to Steve Rogers as the man spoke for the first time in a while. The words were so hesitant, nothing like Peter had previously heard of the Captain. 

Was he even really a captain? Peter supposed that he could probably call himself whatever he wanted, being a war hero and all. 

Tony looked up from his phone in confusion, which prompted Steve to continue. 

“What about- you know…” Peter’s spidey-sense sent a jolt of pain down his spine as the man glanced over at him. 

“Oh, god.” Tony groaned and rubbed his face with both hands. “Certain… assets to the team may join us for the actual briefing, but the beginning of the meeting is off-limits. Just- give me a little bit of time, okay?”

Peter was completely lost. He looked over at Steve in bewilderment as the man nodded and pulled out his own StarkPhone, seemingly to send a message to somebody. 

Before he could even have time to try to figure out what all that was about, a huge picture of Ross flashed onto the screen. Peter’s spidey-sense seemed to become somehow even harsher as the man began to speak. 

“Okay, let’s get this started.” The eyes on the screen scanned the room, and Ross sneered as he noticed Peter. 

“It’s a pleasure to finally meet you, Spider-Man. I’ve seen your work.” Ross’s harsh tone only made Peter’s spidey-sense scream louder as Peter nodded his head in acknowledgement. 

“As I’m sure most of you are already aware, your mission today is to stop an illegal weapons deal involving HYDRA.” 

Peter, who had previously been fidgeting, fell still as he allowed the drone of Ross’s voice, which was explaining smaller details of the mission, to fade out of his thoughts. 

Of course it was this. He was so stupid to not have seen this before, why else would Stark ask for him to come on such a high-stakes mission?

They were going to find him. 

He was surrounded by literal superheroes, so there was actually no way for him to get away when his identity was revealed. 

That is to say, Peter was absolutely fucked. 

He was going to the RAFT. Or the Icebox. 

‘You have to kill yourself now. You can’t go back to living like that. You have to-’

Peter was startled out of his thoughts as someone other than Ross spoke. When Peter looked up from the spot on the table that he had been staring at, he found Steve up out of his chair. 

“Okay, so I can-”

“Fine.” The secretary's expression was harsh as he cut the captain off. “It just can’t be told that this involves HYDRA.”

Peter startled as he noticed Steve taking a breath to calm himself down. He really didn’t seem like the type to show frustration so blatantly. “I’ll go get him then”

Him?

Peter barely had time to ponder over who the captain could be talking about as the man returned only a few seconds after he had left the room. 

He returned with someone following behind him. A man with dark hair, a hard expression, and a metal arm. 

And just like that, Peter was a six year old kid sitting in a cold cell. 

He went rigid as the man carefully walked into the room and sat down, prompting the meeting to continue. The Soldier didn’t even recognize Peter.

‘Of course he didn’t, idiot. You're wearing a mask.’

~

No he wasn’t. He could feel the cold Steel of his cell, taste the coppery blood that seemed somehow to be always on his tongue, and feel his stomach cry out for food. 

He could see his Superiors. 

‘Obey. Obey. Obey.’ 

And he could hear the screaming. Oh, the screaming. Who knew that such a stoic man could even make that noise?

Who knew that such a stoic kid could make that noise?

He was in a museum, watching in panic as the Soldier disobeyed orders and read the signs. He heard the desperation as the man called out in sorrow for this ‘Stevie’

‘Steve Rogers. Captain America. You saw him recognize Captain America, how could you have forgotten?’

How could he have forgotten? 

He was a kid, heartbroken as they tore the Soldier away from him and he knew deep down that he would probably never see them again.

He was a project, terrified as he sat in the Soldier’s chair for the first time. Watching as the machine clamped down on his face. 

He was an asset, hearing the Words that could turn his brain into scrambled eggs for the first of many times. 

~

He was a liar as he pretended to be okay. 

He was a fake as he was led to the quinjet and pretended not to know the man with the metal arm. The man that he thought he had lost forever. 

He was a coward as he deliberately chose a seat across the plane from the man, put in his headphones, and waited for takeoff.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for reading this chapter! As always, reading your comments makes me so happy and gives me more motivation to write, so please tell me what you think. I know a lot of you were waiting for this to happen, so I hope you aren’t disappointed with the way I did it.
> 
> I have a tumblr now, so come talk to me if that's something you want to do! It's [Astro_cat](https://astro-cat13.tumblr.com)


	9. Revolution

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Things get more intense.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is kind of heavy with suicidal thoughts/attempted suicide and general depression. Please take care of yourselves, and if you are in a bad place right now, proceed with caution.

The fact that Peter hadn’t left the corner of the quinjet at all since takeoff definitely had nothing to do with the presence of the Soldier. Or, Peter had come to infer, Bucky Barnes. 

The Soldier was James Barnes. A quick google search confirmed it. 

How had Peter been so close to the truth this whole time? How did he not know? This whole thing could have been avoided if he had even tried to remember obvious clues that would have notified him to avoid the Avengers. 

‘Stevie.’

The day at the museum should have been more than enough. Why couldn’t Peter remember it until he was staring Bucky in the face? 

Peter’s refusal to speak or move also had nothing to do with the fact that they were focused on taking down the organization that has files upon files of information that could get him arrested. Thrown in jail where mutant scum like him belongs. 

No. Peter was just… focusing. Yeah, focusing on the mission, because that’s what was important.

He had to focus on the people that he could save. Not on the man who had left him so long ago sitting just a few yards away from him. The man who was Peter’s sole comfort in HYDRA. His lifeboat in the middle of the ocean. 

A lifeboat that forgot who both himself and Peter were once every few months, but it was the best Peter had there. 

And then he left. And Peter thought he was dead, but apparently he’s not. At least, he’s alive enough to sit with Steve on the flight and exchange soft smiles that made Peter want to cry. 

Bucky had a life outside of HYDRA. A life he was scooped out of when he was forced into a terrorist organization, but still a life that he could re-adjust to. 

But Peter didn’t have a life before, he only had a life after. Everything before HYDRA was pretty fuzzy, and everyone he could remember even a little bit was gone. Well, except for May, but she didn’t really know him before. Sure, they probably saw each other on holidays and stuff, and maybe she did love the little kid that smiled and exclaimed dinosaur facts at inappropriate times. 

That kid wasn’t Peter. Not anymore. 

Parts of him were, yes, but too much was different. On some days, Peter felt like a shell. 

On others, he felt like he wasn’t there at all. Just floating. Swimming through the sky. 

May often said that she loved him. She said that she would help him through anything, but burdening her with this was just unfair. 

All love was conditional.

‘She’d kick you out anyway, if she knew.’ 

Peter didn’t have a Steve. He didn’t have someone that was so well suited to helping him recover. 

‘Stop feeling sorry for yourself.’ 

He didn’t deserve to live well. Peter was so glad that Bucky had found a way to, though. He was someone who did deserve to get better. 

Peter was different. Peter was a freak.

‘Pathetic. Weak. Mutant. Asset. Criminal. Liar. Coward.’

The Avengers were going to get information from HYDRA soon. Even if this mission wasn’t successful, they’d find another way soon. 

By the end of the week, Peter would be dead. Either by his own hand or that of the government. Or just superheroes. That would be a lot more simple for everyone. 

While that much was true, Peter couldn’t find it within himself to care. At least when he was dead Peter wouldn’t have to live in fear of being sent back. 

Now, he just had to help as many people as he could before he selfishly left. 

“Landing in three minutes.” 

Peter was startled out of his thoughts by the indication on the loudspeaker. As everyone around him started to get their gear together, Peter dug his fingernails out of his arms, where they had subconsciously embedded themselves at some point during the flight. 

Oops.

Ignoring the little pools of blood, Peter calmly rolled the sleeves of his costume down, prayed that no one had noticed, and leaned his head against the window to watch as the jet touched down. 

It was time to finish what he had started. 

\--------------

Peter’s job had ended up being pretty simple. 

When the jet finally landed in an open area near a seemingly abandoned building similar to the one Peter had stumbled across, most of the team had run inside to capture as many people as possible for information. The idea was that even if they didn’t end up capturing someone important whose absence would weaken the new division of HYDRA, they would still be able to get enough information to help them figure out how to do that. 

With Peter being underqualified, his job was to restrain any agents that managed to escape the building. He had managed to get a couple, and even though there were undoubtedly more secure exits that others were somehow escaping through, Peter felt like he was really making a difference, no matter how small.

Small differences were all he could do. They were all he was good for now as the time that he would be able to help people was rapidly ticking down. 

He should just do it now, Peter reasoned. It was much more reasonable than waiting for someone to come kidnap him or throw him in prison. He had a gun, it would be quick-

He didn’t have a gun. He was a hero, not a soldier. 

‘The Soldier has a gun. You could overpower him for long enough to shoot yourself.’

That was one other problem about Peter’s situation. The only other person that wasn’t allowed to go inside the base was Bucky. 

They ended up splitting up in order to maximise efficiency, since their assignments posed little risk to their own wellbeing. 

Still, the man’s presence did nothing to help the chorus of different ways Peter could commit suicide that had been almost constantly ringing in his ears lately. At this point, it was just exhausting. 

As unfair and irrational as it was, a small part of Peter’s brain was almost hurt that Bucky didn’t recognize him even a little bit. Peter knew logically that there was no way that the man could possibly recognize him when he was always wearing a mask, but what about little things? His age, for example. Or small mannerisms. Or the fact that a new mutant teenager had suddenly popped into existence right when one of HYDRA’s main branches fell. 

But would it help anything? Would the Soldier even remember him if he did take off his mask? What if he had forgotten Peter entirely?

He couldn’t rationally figure out why that idea made him so sad. He was trying to get rid of the HYDRA stuff, not reunited with it. 

‘Anyway, why would anyone even want to remember you? Why would they bother? You are nothing.’

Peter knew that. 

\--------------

Everything was calm until it wasn’t. 

Earlier in the mission, it had seemed like the team had everything under control. There was banter over the comms, they were arresting people and collecting evidence, and Peter and Bucky restrained anyone who tried to run. 

Their evidence was a shipment of alien weapons, since there was a deal in progress when the Avengers had arrived. 

Mr. Stark practically squealed with glee when they found the tech. Everything was going exactly according to plan. 

Until, of course, things turn bad in an instant. 

Over the comms there was yelling. It wasn’t until Steve shouted for Mr. Stark to explain what was happening that Peter’s heart stopped. 

“HYDRA is coming. More of them. They want-”

Of course there were more. Of course everything was going great until one second when everything went to shit.

Because that’s always how things happen. 

‘No, that’s not true. What about when your mind is slowly broken down little by little? What about when you’re so tired, and every day being alive makes you tireder and tireder? What about when you build up a wall around yourself, brick by brick, and hide away so eventually no one knows who you are at all?’

No.

Peter pulled himself out of his internal ramblings as he webbed an agent to the ground so quickly that the action was accompanied by a sickening crack. 

He tried to ignore the sound of frantic voices over the comms and the way that the sound of the helicopter blades made Bucky shrivel back. 

They had gotten word from SHIELD that there were more agents coming. The agents wanted Bucky. Not Peter, Bucky. 

The relief that flooded Peter’s body when that had been clarified made him want to puke. Especially as he looked at the man, who was obviously trying pretty hard not to puke himself. 

Peter didn’t blame him. If someone tried to take him back-

Well, he would rather die. 

‘That’s pretty clear, dumbass.’

“Don’t worry, Buck, we’ll finish this up and then-”

The helicopter landed. 

“Okay, Barnes, just- go back to the quinjet it’s-”

The quinjet was almost a mile away. He’d never make it.

“Buck, I- I’m coming. Don’t worry, I’ll be there in a second-”

The base was a labyrinth. They were alone. 

When the helicopter opened, Peter’s entire world stopped. He was floating. 

He- he was going back. He didn’t want to-

“Mr. Stark, please-”

He didn’t mean to speak. 

Peter’s senses were all screaming for him to run. Everything about the situation screamed for Peter to get out of there. 

So why wasn’t he?

Peter’s awareness was slammed back into his body from where it had been previously somewhere else, floating, when the people inside of the helicopter began to exit.

There were only two figures. One of them was a man that Peter had never seen before in his life. 

The other was Agent Keller. 

‘Why are you looking at her? Lower your eyes! Fix your stance!’

Submit. 

The comms burst to life again, but it was too late. 

“Buck, we’re almost there, I promise. Goddamn- are you sure you know where you’re going?”

Silence.

Peter’s mind stopped processing the conversation as Keller began to speak.

“Soldier, you’ve been away from your home for so long. It is time to come back.”

‘Obey,’ Peter’s brain screamed until it was the only thing he could hear. ‘She is your superior. There will be consequences if you refuse to obey-’

Peter let out a bloodcurdling scream as he flung the woman as far away as he could with his webbing. 

As if the action had signalled him to, Bucky began barreling toward the man, snarling as he prepared for the conflict. That was when Peter realized what this meant. 

Keller was his responsibility. 

Peter could do this. He had to- 

He had to-

‘Turn yourself in. Now. It’s your only option, you’re only making your punishment worse by resisting. Quick, before the Soldier can-’ 

Bucky.

The man had a name. The name came with a past before HYDRA and future after HYDRA. 

And Bucky didn’t want to go back. 

Neither did Peter, but he didn’t really have a choice. His past would catch up to him sooner or later. It wouldn’t be fair to tear this man away from his life - and his family - because of his own selfishness. 

Because a small part of Peter knew that the only reason that going back seemed like an option to him at all was the fact that he wouldn’t be alone this time. 

Would Bucky feel the same way? If Peter were to take off his mask right now, if he were to reveal his identity to the one person who knew what a monster he really was, would the man even remember him?

Would the man hate him?

‘Probably. You, Peter Parker, are nothing.’

If he was nothing, then he was expendable. It was with this newfound philosophy that Peter finally began to run toward Keller, who was already on her feet and brandishing a taser, which still played a rather large part in Peter’s nightmares.

‘Oh shit. You- submit! It won’t be as bad if you just-’

Peter took a deep breath, closed his eyes, and allowed his mind to go black. 

With nothing but a faint buzzing in his ears, Peter approached his former handler. 

It was a strange feeling, the numbness. Peter knew that everyone was yelling over the comms, but his brain didn’t register it. He could see Keller’s mouth moving as she shouted at him just the same as she had for so many years. 

But it was different now. 

A punch to her stomach. A sidestep. A blocked kick.

It was different this time. It felt so natural. 

Her frustration and ferocity were overpowered by the complete silence of his brain, with only his spidey-sense telling him what to do.

Because she was fighting a stranger. With his mask on, Peter was not Peter, and no one could even tell that he had once been Peter. 

Peter was weak and cowardly, ignoring parts of his past because he couldn’t handle them. 

Spider-Man saved people. 

Another kick. Another punch. A flip out of the way. 

Peter instinctively shot webbing at her face as a jarring punch came seemingly out of nowhere, allowing him to take a couple of steps back as blood began to pool annoyingly in the mask. 

Well, that hurt.

‘Brings back childhood memories, doesn’t it?’

Ignoring the voice in his head, Peter lunged back at the agent, ready to fight.

It seemed like the conflict would be over soon, Peter decided. The rest of the Avengers seemed like they were actually going to be there soon, and a glance over at Bucky told him that his fight was going in his favor as well. He just had to-

A glance back to Keller stopped him in his tracks. 

She was smiling. 

‘That only means pain.’ 

Wasn’t that the truth. 

“Webs.”

Her voice was like fingernails on a chalkboard for Peter’s ears. It took all of the willpower in his body not to flinch away. 

What did she mean by ‘webs’? Of course he used webs. He was Spider-Man. 

She took a step forward, and Peter froze. Her expression was terrifying. 

“Could it really be-” Peter launched himself backwards as she reached out a hand to touch him. What was she doing?

“Not.”

And so, with a single word, Spider-Man turned back into the disappointment that was Peter Parker. As if an electric current had run through his body, his posture frantically fixed itself. Peter felt like sobbing as his spine automatically straightened, his gaze dropped, and his hands clasped themselves in front of him. 

No. No! How- why?

His reaction only made the woman cackle with glee. 

“My little Spider, what a treat! After all this time, it really is you.”

‘Submit. Submit. Obey your superior.’ 

This couldn’t be happening. Going back wasn’t an option. He could hurt people! He couldn’t just let that happen. 

He had a responsibility. 

Peter knew what he had to do. 

Her pant leg. All HYDRA-affiliated people carried a knife in a secret pocket in their-

Left pant leg. There it was. Peter lunged and ripped the blade from the woman’s secret pocket, and before she could react, he had it pressed to his own neck.

Carotid artery. He couldn’t fail.

He just wished that he could apologize. Say sorry to May for invading her home and stealing her love, say sorry to Ned and Mr. Stark for lying to them and wasting their time. 

Say sorry to Bucky for what this could cause. 

Just as Peter began to put pressure on the blade, someone hit his arm. Hard. 

As Peter opened his eyes in surprise, he was met with the terrifying mix of a snarl and a grin that had plastered itself on Keller’s face. Her voice was full of venom as she spoke, and the blood running down his neck from the unfinished cut made Peter shiver. 

“Move.”

A mild pain erupted in the boy’s head, and began to spread down his torso. 

The knife clattered to the ground, and Peter sobbed in despair. He could- he had to call out! Bucky-

‘You don’t want that traitor’s help.’ 

He didn’t want that traitor’s help. He just had to- he could be good. For Keller. Then maybe-

“Quiet.”

The Spider could feel a humming behind his eyes. It hurt. It hurt so bad-

What were they doing? The traitor had finally noticed him and was yelling something, but the Spider ignored him. 

He seemed- panicked? That couldn’t be right. No one cared about the Spider enough to be panicked about anything concerning him. 

“Steel.”

The Spider sank to his knees. It was where he belonged. 

There was pain, but his pain was irrelevant. He could only hope that his superior wouldn’t punish him too severely for yelling out, he couldn’t stop.

‘Pathetic.’ 

There was noise. Were people coming out of the building? He didn’t dare look up from the ground, but whoever they were, they sure were noisy.

“Eight.”

The pain was too much. It was engulfing his senses, he couldn’t-

There were people. They were close to the Spider. He tried not to listen, but he could swear that he could hear the one closest to him, the one with the metal arm, whisper a single word. 

‘Peter.’ Who, or what, was a Peter? Whatever it was must be sad, since the man sounded like he was about to either break down in tears or vomit. 

So weak.

‘You’re the one screaming, idiot.’

Was he screaming? The Spider’s head snapped up, and his eyes became locked with those of a man in a red suit. His expression- he was horrified. 

The Spider wondered why.

“Free.”

With that, the pain stopped. Everything stopped.

Obey. Obey. Obey. Obey.

Everything was quiet, until his superior was to the ground by one of the figures that had been running towards them. 

That was when the chaos started.

\--------------

Obey. Obey. Obey-

“Spider!”

The Spider snapped up to attention. That was him. He had to-

“Attack.”

The Spider automatically brought his arms in front of himself. Fighting stance. But who is he fighting? That was unclear, he had to-

The command was shouted by the Superior, who was being restrained on the ground. There were others in front of his face, touching him, trying to talk to him. 

The Spider decided to assume that he was fighting all that were not his superior. 

As the Spider brought his eyes up from the ground to meet those of his first opponent, he was met with an unfamiliar expression. Happiness? Hope?

“Kid? Kid, are you okay? What-”

The Spider felt a prick in the side of his neck right after he punched the metal man in the face. 

The last thing that the Spider saw before his world went black was a look of betrayal on the face of the man. The Spider didn’t understand why. 

It was the man’s own fault for having the mask open in the first place.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for reading, and thank you for all of the comments! I love reading them, and they motivate me to write more of this. 
> 
> I'm sorry that this chapter was kind of dark, and definitely wasn't the hug between Bucky and Peter that some people wanted. I project onto Peter a lot, especially right now, so it would be hard to authentically make everything suddenly okay, and that wasn't where I planned for the story to go in the first place. This does have a happy ending though, so stick around because there are only a few more chapters left!
> 
> I have a tumblr now, so come talk to me if that's something you want to do! It's [Astro_cat](https://astro-cat13.tumblr.com)


	10. Trust

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tony and Peter have a heart-to-heart

Peter’s whole body was cold. 

His fingertips, his toes-

Maybe he could ask May if he could get one of those reverse fans in his room. He chuckled in his sleep at the idea of what May’s facial expression would be if she heard him refer to space heaters as reverse fans. It would probably be similar to Mr. Stark’s when Peter had referred to milk as ‘cow juice’-

Mr. Stark. 

The mission. 

Peter’s eyes snapped open as terror pulsed through his body. Everything was white. Everything was-

He couldn’t breathe. 

Peter tried to bring his fingernails to his arms, to his legs- to anywhere. 

They wouldn’t budge. He couldn’t move. He was dying.

‘You’re back at HYDRA. You killed Mr. Stark, Captain Rogers, Bucky, Ms. Romanov, Aunt May-’

That’s just stupid. How could he have killed May, she wasn’t even there. 

‘You will.’

Peter was- restrained. Very restrained, at that. Probably the most restrained he had been in his entire life, which really was saying a lot. 

And- oh no. He- he had to be going back to HYDRA. He didn’t want to! He didn’t mean to-

“Please-”

It was all his fault. People were probably dead- and Bucky.

Bucky would be going back too. 

That fact alone made Peter want to curl up into a ball and sob and rip his own eyes out. He felt so lost. So pathetic.

‘How do you think Bucky feels? He got out, and he’s only going back because of you. He probably hates Peter Parker just as much as you do, and he has every right to.’

If only his arms were free. The restraints pushing on his chest and shoulders made him want to scream. 

Why was he so slow? If he had just been quicker with the knife, if he hadn’t hesitated for that split second, he wouldn’t be here anymore. And the world would be a better place. If only-

Peter jolted as he heard a door begin to open behind him. 

‘Obey. Obey. Obey. Obey-’

Peter felt his last shred of dignity fall away as he watched not Keller or another agent enter the room, but Mr. Stark. 

He couldn’t help but allow his resolve to crumble as he saw his mentor’s expression of fury through the glass of the tiny cube he was restrained inside. Peter could sense another person in the doorway behind his cell, but his restraints didn’t allow him to turn his head. 

“Mr. Stark.” Peter could feel a sob threatening to rip through his body as he silently willed it to stay in. “Please-”

He cut himself off as his mentor put up a hand. “No. I talk, you listen.” Mr. Stark’s harsh tone made Peter flinch back. “What were you thinking, trying to hide something like that? What am I supposed to think now? That you’re still the innocent, heroic, genius that is Peter Parker-” 

Peter felt the streams of tears silently making their way down his face at the way Mr. Stark spit his name out as if it were a swear word, but the billionaire seemed to be oblivious. 

“-But you’re now suddenly affiliated with HYDRA? You lie to me, attack me, and now all you can say is ‘please’?”

The sob that Peter had been keeping back tore through his body. “Is everybody okay?” 

“No thanks to you.” 

The response made Peter’s entire body burn. “No thanks to me? I-”

He stopped. 

Because what was he supposed to say? He fought Keller instead of just running away like his limbs wanted to? Running was better than endangering the entire team. It was okay because he thought that the team would wipe HYDRA out before it came to this? It obviously didn’t end up going that way.

It was okay because he was planning on killing himself anyway? He’d had so many opportunities, and yet he still hadn’t. He was weak. 

Peter’s throat burned as he spit out the closest thing to the truth that he could muster. 

“I just wanted to be like you.”

A hero. Someone who saw that what they were doing was bad, and turned their life around. Someone who could be loved. 

“And I wanted you to be better. I thought that you were better. Peter, how-”

Tears streamed down Tony’s face as he gave his reply. Peter closed his eyes and tilted his head back as far as the stupid full-body restraints that felt like hands running up and down his body would allow as the figure in the doorway - Natasha - made her way over to escort Tony back out of the room. 

Sitting alone in the room, Peter couldn’t help but feel like he was still just a six year old kid sitting on the floor of his cell at HYDRA. 

His whole life had led him back to square one. 

Maybe he was never meant to be anything more than a weapon.

\--------------

Peter supposed that he should be asking more questions, but he was just frozen. He had been moved from the jet to some kind of truck, of course still inside the stupid fucking cube where he couldn’t move and could barely breathe, and for some reason both Natasha and Mr. Stark were still with him. 

And for the life of him, Peter could not put together why. They should hate him.

‘They do.’ 

All of the words were spinning through the air and creating a jumbled mess in Peter’s head. 

“Raft.” 

“Exoneration.”

“Charges.” 

“Wakanda.” 

“Vindication.”

All Peter knew for sure was that he would be going to the Raft for a little bit -which he deserved- and then to Wakanda -which he didn’t deserve- and they would mess with his brain there. 

Like how they did with Bucky. 

Even though he knew he deserved it and that it was going to happen eventually, Peter still couldn’t help but flinch every time the Raft was mentioned. 

If he got one more pity-filled glance from Natasha, he might actually scream. 

At least this all seemed like it would be kept pretty private, like it was with Bucky, but it was also kind of terrifying. 

Why could Ross do this to him without anyone knowing? How was it so easy to keep this quiet?

What if this was all a plot and the real plan was to keep him in the Raft until the day he died? No one would really have a problem, except for maybe May. And the thing was, as long as they contacted May and explained why it was happening, she would be fine with it too.

‘That’s because you deserve this.’

Peter couldn’t argue with that. 

It was just-

Mr. Stark deserved better. Bucky deserved better. In the back of his head, Peter was screaming at himself. 

‘Thank him. Tell him that you’re sorry, tell all of them-’

He wanted to. Mr. Stark was sitting right there, with his pain-filled expression piercing through Peter worse than any bullet. 

He just- his spidey-sense was shooting waves of electricity up his spine, down through his arms and legs and-

The hands. He- he was weak. 

The restraints pushed against him like hands running up and down his arms. He was just a seven year old kid who didn’t know any better when he felt a stream of hot breath in his ear carrying the phrase ‘be a good boy, einstein.’

He was a good boy. He just wanted to be good-

He was six, staring with eyes filled with wonder as the man in the cell with him allowed him to stroke the cold metal of his arm.

He was eight, laying on the floor beneath his superior’s feet. His body hurt, but that was where he belonged. 

He was fourteen, squeezing the cold Steel of the trigger of a gun which made the man in front of him fall over the same way that many had before him. So, so many. Too many for Peter to count.

Peter was a monster. 

He had to tell Mr. Stark. He had to tell him that he understood. That he deserved it.

But the hands were all over him and he couldn’t breathe and-

“We’re here.”

\--------------

His cell was cold. 

It wasn’t that bad, and it was only because spiders sucked at thermoregulating, but Peter couldn’t think about anything else. 

‘Stupid spiders.’ 

The RAFT wasn’t actually that bad. Sure, it was freezing and a bright white that made his eyes hurt. Sure, the cuffs around his wrists and the buzzing of the security camera in the corner of the room made him want to gauge his own fucking eyes out, but when did he not want to do that?

It could be so much worse. 

He had seen so much worse.

‘You deserve so much worse.’ 

He had a bed, which was nice. Nicer than his cell at HYDRA had been, anyway. And there was the added bonus of not being harshly kicked awake by an agent and dragged out of his cell to be tortured, trained, or both.

‘Yet.’

Instead, a painful shock from Peter’s spidey-sense woke him up from his fitful sleep that he had been in since arriving at the Raft. 

Not that he’d been able to sleep much at all with the constant high-pitched ringing of the security camera, along with the unsettling knowledge that there was probably someone watching him during every single moment, but the unwelcome jolt that came quite early in the morning was not a welcome one. 

His heart sank as his eyes snapped open to see that the cause for his alarm was a man in an expensive suit standing in front of his cell. 

Mr. Stark.

‘Run.’

Peter flinched as the billionaire took a step closer to the glass. He felt like a specimen, like a science experiment-

‘That is literally what you are.’

“Kid. Peter.” 

Peter’s eyes snapped up to meet those of the genius on the other side of the glass. His tone sounded almost- compassionate? Worried?

“I’m sorry, Mr. Stark. I- sir, I’m so sorry.”

What was he thinking? Sorry wasn’t enough, the man had said it himself. Sorry didn’t even begin to scratch the surface-

“No. No, kid. You listen, I’ll talk.”

That was weird. What was happening? Surely this was where Mr. Stark’s words would assault his mind and haunt his sleep. Why was the man worried about him?

“I’m-” Mr. Stark cut himself off, taking a deep breath and glancing around the room before continuing. 

“I’m sorry, kid.” Peter looked up in surprise as his mentor finally spit out the words. 

“What-”

“No.” Peter stepped back at the hero’s harsh tone, and watched in confusion as the man’s expression softened again.

‘He should hurry up and hit you already. Or yell, or scream, or kick. Anything. You deserve it, why isn’t he-’ 

“I shouldn’t have taken things out on you before. I- you were in a vulnerable position and I took advantage of that. None of this-” The man rubbed a hand over his face and groaned. “None of this is your fault, kid. You understand that, right?”

What?

Of course it was his fault. That was never even a question in Peter’s mind. Why was Mr. Stark trying to convince him that it wasn’t?

‘He only thinks you’re a good person because you’ve been tricking him into thinking that for so long.’

Oh yeah.

“No, Mr. Stark, you don’t understand.” Peter tried to will away the stream of tears that began to silently make their way down his face, but to no avail. 

The billionaire arched his eyebrow, which Peter decided to take as a sign to continue. 

“I- I lied to you! And to May, and to everyone else. This is 100% my fault. I was- I was going to… fix it-”

‘-Kill yourself, you mean. Which you were too cowardly to actually do, like always.’

“-but it’s my fault. And I deserve to stay in here - like forever - and more because I put you guys in danger and… Bucky!” 

Peter’s heart rate skyrocketed as his eyes shot open. How could he have forgotten about Bucky?

“Barnes is fine, kid. A little shaken, sure, but he’s okay. Everyone’s okay.” 

Peter allowed his breathing to slow down. He would never have forgiven himself if his own stupidity had sent Bucky back.

“And you’re not staying here forever, kid. You do have to stay one more night for the paperwork to go through, but you’re coming back to the tower as soon as it does. And then Wakanda, like Nat said.”

Despite his internal protest, a surge of hope swelled in Peter’s chest. 

“You mean you were serious about that? I can like… be normal?”

It almost seemed like too much to hope for. 

‘It is too much to hope for. It’s not what you deserve.’

“Why? Why are you doing all of this?” 

Tony’s brow raised itself even higher in confusion. “What do you mean, why? You want this, don’t you?”

Peter scoffed. Of course he wanted to be normal, it was all that anyone in his position could possibly want. 

“I don’t deserve it. I don’t deserve to keep pretending that I’m normal, like I’m actually a good person.” Peter spit out the last part of the sentence as if it were venom. 

“Peter, you are a good person-”

“I put everyone in danger!” The billionaire standing on the other side of the glass took a step backwards as the boy began to explode. “What about that do you not understand? I’ve hurt so many people, and killed even more. I was raised in fucking HYDRA, you realize that right? How could someone like that actually be good? You’re being so… so nice and you’re trying to help me and stuff, but I’m not Spider-man. Not really.”

The tears streaming down Peter’s cheeks had returned as the man still stared at him like he was some kind of wounded animal.

Like he was someone who was worth saving. 

“I don’t know who you think you’re trying to save, but I’m just Peter. You don’t have to try this hard to get me something that I don’t deserve.” 

Finally gathering the courage to look Mr. Stark in the face, Peter was surprised that his expression was full of- worry? Sadness? 

“Kid- Peter.”

No, the man looked like he was about to burst into tears himself. 

“Do you blame Bucky? Do you think he doesn’t deserve to lead a normal life with Steve?” 

What? Where did that come from? 

“That’s totally different-”

“Answer the question.” 

Peter felt blood rush to his face as he tried desperately to convince his mentor that he was wrong this one time.

“Of course not. What happened to Bucky wasn’t his fault. He was kidnapped.” 

“So were you, as it seems.” The file in Tony’s hand that had previously gone unnoticed made Peter groan. 

Of course he was able to find stuff on him the second he knew something was wrong. Fan-fucking-tastic. 

‘So then why were you alone for so long? Because he just didn’t care enough to figure out that there was something wrong?’ 

“That’s totally different, Mr. Stark. I… well, I-” Peter took a deep breath and paused before continuing. “I was fine with it. At the beginning, I mean. Bucky fought them, but I-”

Submitted. Obeyed. Complied. 

Did what they said because it was easier for him, even though he knew people would get hurt. 

“You were six, Peter. Fighting them wasn’t your responsibility.” 

‘It was your responsibility. You were the only person who could stop the bad things from happening.’

Instead of voicing that thought, Peter remained silent. It was best not to argue any more than he already had. 

“My point, Pete, is that you think that you are a bad person, but you simply are not. You got out of there by yourself, and you’ve been trying to live a normal life. And you have been using your powers to help people! That alone tells me that you, Peter Parker, are in no way the terrible person that you say that you are.”

Seeing the way that Peter’s eyebrows furrowed, the billionaire’s tone suddenly became a lot softer. 

“Look, I know that you don’t think that you deserve good things, but someday you will realize that you do. I’ll help you realize that you do.” 

“Okay, Mr. Stark.” Peter decided that it was more trouble than it was worth to correct Tony on the crazy things that he was saying. However, there was one question tugging at the back of his mind. 

“Is Bucky mad at me?” Peter internally cursed his stupid voice for quivering like it did when he asked that question. He sounded like a five year old. And it was totally within Bucky’s right to be angry, he-

“Of course not, kid.” Peter hated how much the man’s voice softened even more when he answered. Who knew one’s voice could even be that soft? 

Then, he said the words that made his heart stop.

“He said that he wants to see you when you’re ready. After you get out of here, of course. And speaking of which...” Tony tapped his watch that probably cost more money than Peter’s entire apartment. “It’s getting late, you should sleep”

Before Peter could open his mouth in protest, because he had literally been sleeping less than an hour ago, Tony put up a hand to cut him off.

“Nope. No excuses. The bags under your eyes are beginning to rival mine, so at least try. Please. I’ll be back to take you to the tower first thing in the morning.” 

With that, he left Peter to toss and turn in the uncomfortable bed in his cell - which was still a bed, Peter pointed out to himself, - never actually falling unconscious. 

\--------------

Peter was pulled out of his thoughts yet again by a jolt from his Spidey-sense, alerting him to the presence of a well-dressed man in the doorway. 

Tony took off his sunglasses as he shot a strained smile in Peter’s direction. 

“Come on, kid. It’s time to go.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for reading this chapter! There have been some really useful comments on this, and reading them really makes my day! Please keep leaving them. 
> 
> Only two chapters left!
> 
> I have a tumblr now, so come talk to me if that's something you want to do! It's [Astro_cat](https://astro-cat13.tumblr.com)


	11. Healing

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> What happened while Peter was in the Raft.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There is a heavy description of dissociation in this chapter, so please be careful if you think that could upset you.

Bucky was a mess. 

Who could really blame him, though? The team had just returned from a mission with one of their members in handcuffs.

The mission had pretty much gone downhill since the two unfamiliar people had stepped out of the helicopter.

Well, Bucky figured, one of them seemed pretty damn familiar to Spider-man. Who apparently was Peter Parker. 

How was he even alive? The ex-assassin had been almost positive that they had disposed of the kid after they were separated. If he had known that there was even a slight chance of them keeping him alive, he would have looked for him. No kid deserved that kind of treatment, and Bucky could have stopped it. 

He should have. He should have at least looked into it. Maybe if he had just remembered better, maybe if he were stronger-

Maybe if he weren’t so useless they could have helped this kid before he had to help himself. Peter was in the back of a truck with Nat and Tony, and it was all his fault. If only-

Bucky’s eyes snapped up from where they had been staring off into space as he felt the couch give slightly as extra weight was added. 

Of course it was Steve. 

Bucky almost sighed as he met the icy blue eyes of his childhood best friend, eyebrows furrowed and eyes filled with concern. 

“Buck-”

“Where are they taking him?”

The man couldn’t bring himself to care that his voice had become gravelly and monotone, even though he knew that it always upset Steve when he got like that. 

Steve only sighed and pinched the bridge of his nose. “Bucky, you know these things are complicated. He’s going to Wakanda later and then I think he’s going to live here, I promise it’ll all be sorted out in just a couple-”

“Where is he now, Steve?” 

Sensing the note of desperation in the other man’s voice that anyone else would probably miss, Steve put a shaky hand on Bucky’s knee before taking a breath and answering the question. 

“The Raft.”

Bucky saw red.

\--------------

Both men lost track of the amount of time they’d been sitting on the couch in the common room in silence until the uneasy tranquility was interrupted by the sliding of the elevator doors. 

“Stark.”

Bucky stood up as an obviously distressed Tony began to sneak out of the elevator in hopes of remaining undetected.

“I don’t want to talk to you right now, Barnes.” Bucky barely registered Steve’s concerned glance from the other side of the room as he held out his metal arm to stop Tony from managing to push past him. 

“Too bad. You took Peter to the Raft. Why?” Refusing to allow himself to react to the way that Tony flinched at his tone, the supersoldier maintained eye contact.

“It just- I couldn’t do anything else, okay? It wasn’t my decision to make. They’ll let him out tomorrow, and Natasha’s there talking to Ross now. I’ve done enough about it.”

Bucky couldn’t stop his face from reflecting at least some of the pure fury he felt coursing through his bloodstream. 

“You’ve done enough? I’ve seen you with him, Stark. I thought you cared about him, what happened? 

“I do care, ok?” Even Tony seemed to be surprised by the severity of his own tone. “I care. I- but-”

“But?” Both men jumped as Steve appeared behind Bucky, his voice carrying a worried note that might sound condescending to anyone unaware that his concern was completely sincere.

Grief morphed itself onto the billionaire’s face as he lowered the sunglasses from where they had been sitting on the top of his head to his eyes in order to mask the tears beginning to well up in them. “You don’t- I trusted him, okay? I actually trusted him, you know how hard that is for me! Now he’s suddenly linked to HYDRA? Do you think that’s a coincidence? Why else would he blatantly lie to me for months?

Steve opened his mouth to respond, but his words were interrupted by an incredulous laugh from Bucky. 

“You’re angry at him? I can’t believe this!” Bucky glanced over at Steve, only to be met with furrowed brows and a shake of the head. “He fought back, Tony. Even if he didn’t, none of this would be his fault.” Unbeknownst to Bucky, Steve’s harsh expression had quickly drained away and been replaced by a soft smile. That was something that the taller man knew Bucky had been struggling with himself for a long time. 

“Still-” Even as Tony’s tone grew more remorseful, Bucky did not relent. 

“You have no right to be angry at him. I get it if you still don’t like me, but Peter is a good kid. He needs you, so you’re going to have to grow up, Stark.” Bucky exhaled as he leaned into the added pressure of Steve’s hand clasping his shoulder. 

“I know.” The billionaire let out a shuddering sigh. “I know that. I just- I can’t. Of course I’m bringing him here after they let him out, but I don’t know if I can be what he deserves. I need help.”

Bucky let out one of his rare small smiles at that statement, but it didn't completely reach his eyes. “You know Stevie and I will be here to help. And Stark-” The smile on Bucky’s face quickly hardened itself into a stern frown. “-You will never be what he deserves. That kid deserves the entire universe and more. You just need to try to become what he needs.” 

Tony gave a small, sad smile at the last remark. “Yeah- yeah. I know. God, I feel awful. I was lecturing him for the entire truck ride, you know? The truth is, I really just wanted to hug him. I couldn’t though. You know, he was in that stupid cube thing. So yeah, the worry kinda just expressed itself through the form of… yelling.” 

The emotion that coursed through Bucky could only be described as pure fury. Bucky’s poison-filled eyes glanced to meet Steve’s, which portrayed a deep sadness that Bucky had only seen a few times before. 

“You yelled at a kid, Tony? You can’t- he was restrained?” Bucky fought the urge to throw up as he uttered the words. “How could you do that? Do you seriously have that little self control? I-” The man threw his hands in the air and stormed away to his and Steve’s shared quarters, ignoring the voices calling for him as he made his way down the hallway with his head spinning. 

Steve only looked at Tony, face portraying a deep betrayal that made Tony’s stomach churn from guilt more than it already was. 

“Do you know how hard it was for Bucky to recover from being put in those types of constraints?” Steve’s throat tightened at the memory. “It made everything so much worse inside his head. Hearing the- those words, and in those kinds of restraints, Tony.” The billionaire felt like he was about to collapse as Steve gave him a small, sad shake of the head. “It’s just like HYDRA. That hurt him, Tony. Just like how this will have hurt Peter. You-”

“I messed up.” 

“Yeah, Tony. You messed up.” 

Shooting the man one last remorseful glance, Steve made his way down the same hallway that Bucky had just a couple minutes prior. 

\--------------

God, Tony felt like an idiot. 

He was an idiot. In fact, the word idiot was the understatement of the century. As he stared through the security cameras at the blank expression on the face of the person who was willing to defend anyone but himself, that much was apparent. 

“He’s scared, Tony.” Natasha’s face was also creepily expressionless, but in a less robotic way. 

Tony continued to stare at the child that he had let down so many times as the redhead took a seat next to him. 

“He doesn’t know what’s going on.” 

The billionaire was pulled out of his daze by this information, shooting a panicked glance at the woman next to him. “What- why? He’s just been sitting there this whole time? Nat-” 

“This is the first free moment I’ve had, Tony. You were gone, and frankly, I think you should be the one to explain everything to him.” Natasha gave the man a knowing glance as she interrupted him. “You are the only person here who actually knows this kid, and frankly,” the woman said before she paused to lock eyes with Tony, “he needs to know that you’re not mad. That kid needs someone in his corner, Tony.”

“Okay. I- okay.” The man let out a shuddering breath. “What if I mess it up even worse, though? I can’t do this, Nat. I don’t think-”

“Too bad.”

Tony looked up, startled by Natasha’s blunt response. 

“You’re keeping the kid around, right?” 

Tony’s face was filled with bewilderment as he answered the redhead’s question. “Of course. At least until he wants to leave, yeah. And I won’t just keep him around, I’ll protect him.”

Natasha’s lips quirked upwards at his response. “Good,” she said simply. “You’re going to mess up a lot, Tony. It’s inevitable. But that-” she pointed at Peter’s face in the security footage. “Is a kid who needs you. To ignore this or put it off because you’re scared would be a mistake. Go talk to him.” 

Okay.

Tony let out a breath as he made his way from the control room to the cell block. 

He could do this. 

\--------------

The apology was okay. At least in Tony’s opinion. Sure, it could have gone better, but it also could have gone worse. That was a win, right? 

Tony wasn’t sure, so naturally he couldn’t think of anything else. He really hadn’t wanted to leave Peter alone again, but the kid had looked tired.

At least, that’s what Tony kept telling himself. Maybe he just couldn’t handle any more of the kid’s blank stare as he blamed himself for all of Tony’s mistakes. Not just Tony’s mistakes, but for the actions of an entire terrorist organization. 

Each word that had come out of the kid’s mouth made Tony want to punch someone. 

Or break down crying.

Or maybe both. Who knows? 

But first, Tony had responsibilities. Everything else had to wait.

“Have you gotten any sleep?” 

Tony jolted out of his dazed state as Natasha walked into the room, smirking before she made her way to the desk to join him. 

“Why sleep when you can just caffeinate in the morning?” The woman just frowned at the statement, seeing past the billionaire’s playful tone. 

“Just a couple more hours, Tony.” 

Tony gave a humorless chuckle. “Just a couple more hours.” 

\-------------- 

“Come on, kid. It’s time to go.”

Peter was cold. 

His body followed Tony through the pristine white halls to the jet, but his mind felt like it was miles above them. 

He was floating. Peter sat down in the seat he was directed to, and just allowed his mind to float. 

Peter remembered feeling like this back at HYDRA, mostly when he was overwhelmed but also when he was just sitting in his cell. When he was alone and didn’t have to do anything, it had been almost peaceful to just float, a floaty sensation ringing through his head as time passed and it was unclear if he even existed. 

Other times, though, it felt like drowning. When he was around superiors - or heaven forbid fighting - it was terrifying to stand there, dizzy and tired and unsure what was even real. It was like waves, pulling him deeper and deeper, farther from shore until he couldn’t fight it anymore and began to drown. 

This was a mixture of the two. Peter could feel the waves trying to pull him in, but he could also feel his own grasp of what was real. 

He was real. 

From what the kid had caught from Tony’s explanation he had given before, the jet was going to Wakanda. They were meeting Steve and Bucky there, and they could use Wakandan technology to get the words out of Peter’s head. 

And god, did he hope they could. 

The idea of seeing Bucky, of talking to him for even just for a few minutes, gave Peter a rush of hope that he cursed himself for feeling. He knew rationally that he couldn’t bring any benefit to the man’s life. Hell, Peter negatively impacted Bucky’s life for the entire time he was in it. After almost getting the man kidnapped, of course he would still hate Peter. There was no other rational option. 

Still, though. Deep down, there was a shred of Peter that guiltily hoped that the man wouldn’t hate him. 

‘Weak. Pathetic.’ 

\--------------

The plane jolted slightly as it landed in Wakanda. 

Carefully schooling the expression on his face to remain neutral, Peter stood up to exit the jet, only to stop in his tracks as he noticed Tony’s demeanor and forced smile. It was like he hadn’t slept in a week. 

“Everything is fine, okay? I promise.”

Following close behind the man, Peter squinted as his eyes were assaulted by the glaring sun while he and Tony climbed out of the jet. 

“Welcome to Wakanda.” 

Peter held back a jolt of surprise as the deep voice rumbled through the air, watching as Tony shook the other man’s hand. 

“I cannot thank you enough for doing this. Well, er- again, I guess.” Tony laughed sheepishly as the man’s gaze turned to Peter. 

“So young,” he mumbled to himself gravely as Peter felt his face heat up. “I’ve heard much about you, Peter. I am T’Challa. Now come, the others are waiting for you inside.” 

Peter’s heart sped up, recognizing the name. 

“Your majesty. I- uh…” 

Unable to find the words, Peter simply cut himself off. He didn’t deserve this! Why was a literal king involved with the issues of someone as insignificant as him?

‘You’re a potential threat. It’s within his best interests.’ 

Honestly, killing him would be easier than all of this. He shouldn’t even be here right now.

“Follow me.” 

Following the man towards what Peter assumed to be the palace, he tried and failed not to gawp at the scenery. Tony smirked upon noticing his expression, but honestly who could blame him? The rolling hills framed the mass of beautiful buildings and skyscrapers, the treetops in the distance greener than anything Peter had seen before in his life. 

Upon entering the palace, Peter had to try even harder to keep himself from nerding out about every little thing he saw. 

Unable to help himself, Peter broke away from the group of adults when they had begun to talk in hushed voices about diplomacy or some other topic that Peter didn’t totally understand the context of. Examining the high-tech designs of the entire building, he made his way down a long hallway. 

All hope was lost when he entered the medical bay. 

Peter let out a small gasp as he looked around in awe, only forcing the expression off of his face when he caught sight of a girl sitting behind a desk, snickering at his excitement. 

“You like it?” Her voice was melodic, but it was unclear if she was mocking him or genuinely asking. Peter decided to take it as a mixture of both.

“Yeah it’s awesome!” Glancing around at all of the tech that Tony probably wished he had the means to come up with, Peter’s breath left his body as he caught a glimpse of pride in the girl’s eyes. “Wait, did you make all of this?” 

Peter’s entire concept of reality imploded as she nodded confidently. 

“It’s- amazing! Really, I- did you design the Black Panther suit too? How did you get it to store kinetic energy for that long without breaking? I mean even with the vibranium and- oh! What other applications have you found for vibranium? I’ve been wanting to run tests but obviously with such a rare material-”

The girl merely laughed harder and stuck out her hand. “Calm down, genius boy. I’m Shuri.” 

Peter’s face flushed as he shook her hand. “Yeah, uh, I’m Peter.” 

Shuri’s face immediately broke out in disbelief. “You’re Peter?”

Shit. Of course she didn’t know that he was his dangerous self when she started talking to him. And of course she was the princess, too. God, Peter couldn’t be any more embarrassed. He should have known not to talk to anyone in a place where he was only there to become slightly less crazy. 

Shuri’s gaze softened, but before she could say anything, a voice that made Peter’s gut drop to the floor rang through the room. 

“Peter.” Bucky tentatively stepped through the door frame, his eyebrows lowered in stress. Not sensing the tension in the air, Shuri’s expression broke out into a wide grin. 

“Barnes! How is your new prosthetic?”

Peter was unable to tear his gaze away from Bucky as they locked eyes. “It works great, thanks Shuri. I just- can I speak to Peter?” 

Peter’s breathing picked up as he watched her leave the room. 

‘He’s here to yell at you. What rational person wouldn’t? Maybe other people think that you’re worth all this, but he’s the one person that you won’t be able to trick into pitying you.’

“I’m so sorry.” Peter struggled to steady his voice as he forced the words out of his mouth, willing the tears to stop forming in his eyes. “I never wanted it to go this far, I promise. I just wanted to help. I just-”

Peter flinched as Bucky’s flesh hand came to rest lightly on his own bicep. 

“Peter, look at me.” The man’s voice was somehow hard, yet comforting. “It’s not your fault. None of this is your fault.”

Peter stared at the man in disbelief as he continued to speak, his voice developing a strange sense of urgency as he went on.

“It’s my fault for leaving you there, kid. I could have stopped all of it. If only-” The man paused to take a breath. “-I just wish I had. You don’t understand how sorry I am, Peter. They told me you were dead, but I should have checked. I’m just so- sorry,” the man finished awkwardly. 

Each word dug into Peter’s mind painfully. “Sold- Bucky,” Peter corrected himself, “It’s not your fault, either. You had it much worse than me, and look at you now.” Peter let out a humorless chuckle, before allowing his expression to soften. “I’m so glad you were able to get back to your life.”

Bucky gave Peter a small smile and god, Peter wasn’t expecting the rush of emotions that came with seeing the man smile. He had never seen it before. 

“Me too, Pete. And you get to have yours, too! Actually-” Bucky absentmindedly rubbed his own neck, anxiety seemingly pouring out of him in droves. “-Part of the reason why I wanted to talk to you before, well you know…”

“I’m frozen in a tube for a week?” Peter supplied. 

“Yeah, that. I just want you to know, Peter, I’m on your side.”

Peter’s jaw almost dropped in disbelief at the unexpected statement. 

“I mean it. I know recovering from this kind of thing is messy. Hell, I’m still going through it. Tony’s even set up your room near mine and Steve’s wing of the tower. I - well, we - want to be there for you. I want to be here for you, where I wasn’t before. I mean if that’s okay with you of course.” 

Peter was stunned. Confusion clouded his mind until he couldn’t think. He didn’t deserve any of this, so why did everyone think that he did? 

“I don’t understand.” Peter’s voice was soft, more fragile than he had probably let it be in a long time. “You’re supposed to be mad at me. You’re supposed to be the only person who can actually see me for what I really am, and see that I don’t deserve any of this. Why would you do that for me?” 

The sheer venom in the boy’s tone was startling, but not surprising to Bucky. “Peter, you deserve this and so much more. You deserve more than anyone on this planet - or in this universe - can give you. Right now, I’m just giving you what you need.” If a tear made its way down Peter’s face, neither person mentioned it. “Peter, you need security. You need food and warmth and shelter. You need love and support and, well, to understand that you deserve good things. You’re a good person, Peter Parker, and I’m going to do everything in my power to get you to recognize that.” 

Peter nodded, speechless. He still knew he didn’t need or deserve anything that Bucky had just listed, but they sounded nice. 

“Okay.” The boy’s voice was watery, and the single word surprised both him and the other man. 

“Okay?” Bucky’s tone was slightly skeptical, but Peter chose to ignore that. 

“Yeah. I mean, I don’t believe you yet, but it would be nice to try.”

Bucky’s expression softened at Peter’s words. “Yes it would.”

“But you do know we’re living in a multiverse, right?” Peter grinned cheekily, again surprising both himself and Bucky. 

“What?”

“You know, what you said before. About me deserving more than the universe? Well there are multiple so~” 

“Don’t flatter yourself,” Bucky joked. “I could reduce it to just this solar system…” 

Peter giggled, and then let out an exaggerated gasp. “No! Universe is fine!”

Bucky chuckled at the kid’s antics. “That’s what I thought. Now,” he said while gesturing to the doorway, “It’s time for the cryo. Are you ready?” 

\--------------

The metal of the tube was cold. 

Peter’s breath came in short gasps as he looked out of the glass to see everyone standing solemnly on the other side. 

“It’ll be okay, kid. Just relax, and we’ll wake you when Shuri can get that stuff out of your head.”

Closing his eyes as Shuri pushed the button, the last thing Peter felt was a rush of air so cold that it felt as if his veins had turned to ice. 

Peacefully, the boy slept.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for reading this chapter! I'm sorry it took a while to come out. 
> 
> What did you think? Reading your comments make me so happy, so please leave them if you feel like it! Reactions, predictions, criticism, literally anything. Also, thank you much for 10,000 hits. I know to some people that may not be that much, (especially if you are a good writer haha), but to me it's a pretty big number.
> 
> I have a tumblr now, so come talk to me if that's something you want to do! It's [Astro_cat](https://astro-cat13.tumblr.com)


	12. After

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Steve makes a new acquaintance, Bucky makes french toast, and Peter turns sixteen.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter has a brief memory of sexual assault, nothing explicit but please proceed with caution.

May was pissed. That much was evident to the man standing awkwardly in front of her. 

Of course, the billionaire was running on mainly caffeine at that point, so the fact that he was able to come to that conclusion all by himself was pretty impressive. 

“Eleven days,” May hissed through gritted teeth, the expression on her face mirroring that of a woman who had been surviving purely off of water and rage for a considerable amount of time. 

“Excuse me?” Tony regretted the words almost immediately after he had spoken them. Of course she was angry, she had every right to be-

“I haven’t seen my kid for eleven days, Tony. First he doesn’t come home from your stupid internship thing, then I get a call from your freaking secretary that Peter can’t come home? And now you finally call me, but instead of telling me where my kid is, you say I have a day to move into your tower? And now you’re trying to get me on a jet to Wakanda, I don’t understand-” May stopped herself and took a drawn-out, shuddering breath.

“I know. I should have filled you in sooner. I just-”

“Yeah. You should have. I haven’t slept, I can’t- I just can’t function until I have him back. Where is he? You can’t just keep this stuff from me!”

Tony rubbed a sheepish hand over his neck and sighed. “This is going to be a pretty long explanation.”

The glare that May shot him was so severe that the man felt like he would drop dead on the spot. “Then start fucking explaining.” 

\--------------

The metal under Peter’s bare arms and legs was freezing. 

As soon as he realized where he was, the boy’s eyes snapped open and he flung himself off of the table, just to end up struggling with the restraint across his chest. 

“Peter, stop.” The voice was watery, and definitely one that Peter recognized. 

As the glass tube began to rise off of him, the kid practically threw himself at the owner of the voice.

May. 

The smile on the face of the woman in question was wider than Peter had ever seen it before, yet there were still tears streaming down her face. 

“It’s okay, honey.” Peter sighed as he sank into the woman’s arms “I’ve been so worried about you, kiddo. I mean, I can’t believe I didn’t-”

Peter’s eyes flew open. “Wait.” 

His stomach sank as he turned to address the man standing awkwardly near the entrance. “How- how much does she know?” 

“I- Tony just told me the basics on the way over here, but-” May cut herself off as she saw how her nephew’s face began to screw up at the statement. “Peter, honey, none of this stuff makes me love you any less. I mean it certainly was a shock to hear but we can-”

“I killed your sister.” 

“What?” 

May’s and Tony’s voices merged into one as the word cut through the air like a knife, leaving only an eerie silence behind.

“I don’t have a sister, kiddo. I don’t have any siblings, you know that.” 

“But-” Oh. Peter was an idiot.

How the hell had he gone this fucking long thinking that the woman he had killed was May’s sister when the file had clearly said-

“Wait, do you mean my sister-in-law?” May’s expression darkened at the realization. “Pete I-” May looked at Tony as her mouth opened, closed, and then opened again. “I think I need to sit down.” 

“I’m sorry. I’m so sor-” 

“No, Petey, I’m not mad. I just need a minute, baby.”

Shit.

Apparently there were still some trigger words that Wakanda hadn't touched. Wonderful. 

Someone said something else, but Peter couldn't hear anything except that damn nickname pounding through his mind. How was he still so weak? One word and he’s just a kid lying in the dark with phantom hands rubbing up and down his entire body.

His head was spinning. The world was spinning. Peter wanted to scream and rip his hair out and throw up all at the same time, but he just can’t move and the terror coursing through his body won’t let him think about breathing, let alone getting up. 

There was only one thought in his head as Peter’s world grew darker and darker until he finally slipped out of consciousness. 

“Fuck Skip.” 

\--------------

Peter jolted awake as the earth below him began to rumble. Trying to jump to his feet, he quickly realized that he was strapped to the chair he was sitting on. 

It would be okay. He’d dealt with interrogations countless times in the past, this would probably suck but he’d get through it. It just-

“Kid?” 

He knew that voice.

He was with Tony and May. He was safe. 

Trying to calm his racing heart, Peter looked at Tony, who was relieved by the spark of recognition in the kid’s eyes. 

“Hey- hey Mr. Stark.” Cursing his voice for wavering as much as it did, Peter sat up and gripped the armrests of his seat until his knuckles turned white. 

Tony only smiled kindly at him, but there was still a hint of deeper sadness in his expression.  
“You were out for a long time, bud. We’re almost at the tower.” You really scared us for a second though, are you okay?”

“Where’s May?” The words were like burning coals as they left his mouth. How could he be so selfish? Asking for May after what he’d done-

“I’ll get her for you.”

God, Peter was so stupid. How did anyone even tolerate him? Literally all he had to do was keep his mouth shut, but of course he had to ask about the one person who-

“Hey, kiddo.” 

May’s gentle voice was peppered with concern, which only made Peter’s stomach sink deeper. How was it that even in this situation, even after learning Peter’s darkest demons, she was still so caring? Peter didn’t get it. 

“It’s- no, hey, Peter. Don’t cry buddy, it’s okay. I’m not mad at you.”

Cry? Peter wasn’t crying, he’d never-

The kid raised his hand to brush his cheek, and sure enough, it came back wet. 

Oh.

“How can it possibly be okay? What do you mean you’re not mad? I took everything from you! I k-” Peter choked, unable to finish spilling his thoughts to the older woman, whose eyes were still so damn compassionate that it made Peter want to scream. 

“Honey, you didn’t take anything from me. They did.” May’s expression hardened, looking harsher than Peter thought he had ever seen it be before. “They took my sister-in-law, yes, but they also took my nephew.”

That statement sent Peter into a strange state of remorse. He didn’t deserve her. Nothing Peter had done, or could ever do in his entire life could make him a good enough person to have all of these nice things being said about him. 

“I’m serious, Peter. They took you from us. They just took you away and stole your childhood! Your- your innocence! Nothing about that situation is your fault.”

Peter broke.

Crying in May’s embrace, some distant part of his brain realized that that was the first time he even considered that there could be some truth to that statement. 

‘It’s not your fault.’

Peter didn’t know if he could completely believe it, but he hoped he could get there. 

Maybe he could get there.

\--------------

The kid was getting therapy. That was a hill that Bucky was willing to die on. 

As reluctant as he himself had been when Steve presented the option to him early on, it ended up being the right decision. 

Bucky’s therapist was a nice woman, probably in her late 40’s to early 50’s. Of course, she was cleared by SHIELD. It’s not like Bucky could just go spill national secrets to some random person off the street for the sake of his own mental health. 

It took a while to get her cleared, and she couldn’t see both him and Peter because it was a conflict of interest or whatever. And for this reason, the Avengers were going to try to appoint Sam Wilson’s bitch ass to be Peter’s therapist. 

Okay, Bucky had to admit that he was a pretty good option, but still. 

After being told by Steve multiple times to “play nice,” and many glares exchanged between Sam and Bucky, he finally had to admit that Sam wasn’t always a pain in the ass.

Only sometimes. 

Anyway, Peter was going to get help. That was huge. However, thinking about the kid 24/7 had really started affecting Bucky’s ability to focus. 

It was really just his luck when Fury decided to call for a mission on the day that Peter was supposed to wake up. 

Tony was able to get out of it, and Bucky was glad for that, really. 

But since they were raiding another HYDRA base, Bucky was apparently ‘imperative to the success of the mission.’ Meaning he couldn’t see Peter until he actually got back to New York from Wakanda. 

Anyway, him being ‘imperative’ ended up being a load of shit. 

There were no agents, just one guy sitting in an unlocked cell. 

Bucky’s hairs seemed to stand on end as they entered the cell, which didn’t make much sense. He had Steve with him, and besides, he hadn’t reacted negatively to any of the other eerily familiar rooms. So why this one?

Sensing someone’s gaze on him, Bucky turned his head to meet Steve’s eyes, and chuckled as the man raised his eyebrow and shot him a quizzical look. 

With a reassuring hand on his shoulder, Bucky finally stepped further into the cell, where they were met with the mysterious man, who was sitting calmly at a steel table. 

“Hey, we’re here to help-”

“-put your hands in the air.”

Steve and Bucky’s voices mingled harshly in the air, and both men turned to stare at each other in disbelief. 

“Lower the gun, Bucky.” Steve’s voice was jarringly harsh, but for some reason that even he couldn’t place, Bucky was hesitant to lower the barrel of his gun away from the man at the table. 

“I just- he seems familiar. I can’t place it, but- I just have a weird feeling about this guy, Steve.”

He did have the decency to feel a little bit bad for talking about this guy like he wasn’t sitting right there, Bucky knew how frustrating that could be, but the little voice in his head telling him not to trust this guy was growing louder by the second. 

“He’s in a cell, Bucky! For god’s sake-” Steve huffed and diverted his attention back to the man, causing Bucky to reluctantly lower his weapon. “Are you in need of medical attention?”

His shoulders sagged in relief when the man shook his head.

“Everyone else had to leave right away when they found out you were coming, so they just left me here.”

Why did Bucky want to rip his own eyes out when Steve shoots the man one of the soft, kind smiles that were generally reserved for Bucky?

Flashes of memory had begun to periodically rush through his head, but it still didn’t make any sense.

Peter, rage, a white lab coat. He couldn’t put it together. It was-

“Let’s get him back to the quinjet. We should get going now anyway.” Steve’s voice pulled Bucky out of his pondering, and Bucky reluctantly followed the two men back to the jet. 

Through the static in his head, Bucky can hear Steve speaking into his comm and alerting everyone else to their situation.

As they were approaching the quinjet, Bucky realized something. 

“Hey, uh, I know we’ll probably find out more about you when it’s a better time for conversation, but I never caught your name.”

The man, despite his situation, chuckled. In fact, now that Bucky realized it, he had been extremely positive for someone who had been imprisoned for who knows how long. 

“Yeah, it’s Steven. Steven Westcott, but you can just call me Skip. Multiple Steves might get confusing, you know?” 

Bucky didn’t know, but Steve chuckled. 

“Nice to meet you, Skip. I’m sorry for the circumstances.”

Thoughts flooded Bucky’s head as if a dam had broken. As Steve, and eventually the rest if the Avengers made small talk with the creepy guy - Skip, Bucky reminded himself - he couldn’t take his mind off of how weird the situation was.

Instead of voicing his concerns for a second time, Bucky decided to simply slouch in his seat and let the thoughts consume him. 

After all, his paranoia was probably just his fears presenting themselves in everyday situations, or whatever his therapist had said about that. 

Right? 

\--------------

The quinjet was disconcertingly bumpy as it landed. 

Even though Mr. Stark and Aunt May had both assured him that the turbulence was normal, Peter let out a sigh of relief when they finally touched back down to the ground. 

Planes were the worst. 

His legs still wobbly from sitting down for so long, Peter had to stop himself from sprinting out of the jet as he saw Bucky waiting for them. 

When did he become so… what was the word? Needy? 

The little voice in Peter’s head had been yet to make an appearance since the procedure, which was a welcome surprise. 

Squinting as his eyes were assaulted by the harsh rays of the sun, Peter followed Tony and May down to where Bucky was waiting with a fond expression on his face. 

“The rest of the team are all no-shows, Buckaroo? What’s up?”

Decidedly ignoring the anxious undertones of Tony’s question, Bucky glared at the nickname and shook his head. 

“Nope, a situation came up at the tower.” 

Bucky hastily backtracked as they all watched panic flood into Tony’s expression. “I mean, it’s nothing serious. Just- you can deal with it when we get these two settled in.”

Tony nodded, but didn’t seem entirely satisfied with that answer. Hell, Peter wasn’t satisfied with that answer, but he had more important things to concentrate on. 

Why did climbing into the backseat of a car suddenly feel like ascending a cliff? Tony nodded at Happy in acknowledgement, and Peter jumped as he felt a cold hand on his shoulder, helping him up.

“So… the procedure’s all good? Words are out of your head?”

Holding himself back from flinching at the mere mention of the Words, Peter shot Bucky a soft smile. “Yep, that’s what Shuri said at least.”

“Great. Well, you’re hopefully going to love staying at the complex! You and May have a whole suite to yourselves, and of course May can go back to her apartment a little later if she wants to and you can live there part-time, and…”

Peter allowed Bucky’s soothing voice to lull him into a dream-like state, where his thoughts floated pleasantly as he looked out the window, watching the trees fly past the car. It was nice, and he almost dozed off for a second.

That is, until an electric shock ran up his spine, causing him to practically leap up out of his seat. He would have fallen out too, if it weren’t for his seat belt.

Seeing that they were already in the garage of Stark Tower, Peter unbuckled it and attempted to take a deep breath, which ended up coming out more like a pitiful wheeze. 

Everyone else in the car turned to look at Peter, who couldn’t seem to get his breathing or heart rate under control. Because, wow. That wasn’t just his spidey sense saying a friendly ‘hey you might want to look out.’ It had felt like his entire spine had just stuck a metal fork in an electrical socket. 

“I- spidey sense? I don’t…” Peter was at a loss for words. What was that even about? The tower was safe, he knew that.

“Do you think it could be leftover nerves from the procedure or something?” Bucky’s expression screamed that even he didn’t believe that his own words could be true, but Peter nodded anyway.

“Yeah, er- maybe.” 

Climbing out of the car, Tony shot him a sympathetic look. “How about you and May can just chill in your suite, catch up maybe, just take it easy. Does that sound good?” 

That did sound pretty nice. Well, at least it would if Peter didn’t feel the immense dread that was coursing through his body growing every step he took toward the entrance to the tower. 

“Yeah, that sounds great, Mr. Stark. Just- can we check on the others? Because I feel-” Peter cut himself off as a full-on shiver made its way down his spine as they crossed the threshold into the tower. “I just want to double check that they’re okay.”

By that point, May and Bucky weren’t even trying to hide their worried glances. “That’s fine, kid,” Tony said, his voice reflecting the concerned expressions on May and Bucky’s faces. “Fri, where’s the rest of the team?” 

If May was phased by Friday, she didn’t show it. 

“The team is in the communal kitchens, sir. If I may-”

“Got it, Friday.” 

Biting his lip to keep himself from asking Friday what she was about to say, Peter stepped into the elevator that Tony had led the group to. He tried to calm himself down, but his panic only increased as they ascended toward the kitchen. 

After what felt like years, the doors opened and Peter rushed down the hallway to where he vaguely remembered the kitchens being.

“Of course, you two have your own kitchenette, but Cap likes to have group meals. You know, like family dinners and stuff-”

Only half-listening to Tony’s ramblings, Peter clenched his hands into fists, attempting and failing to stop them from shaking. Now that they were this close, Peter had an unmistakable desire to take Tony, May, Bucky, and anyone else they could find and just run as far away as possible. 

‘You’re being irrational,’ Peter told himself. Because he was, right? There was no danger, so why was he acting like this? It was so frustrating.

Tony opened the door to the kitchens, and sure enough, it was just the team in there, but it still felt like there was an alarm blaring in his head for some reason. 

It was only when he entered the room that it all clicked into place.

His shaggy blonde hair, that stupid signature smirk. Peter could feel the rough calluses on his hands brushing up and down his body-

(‘Come on, Einstein. It’s not even a big deal, just- a favor for a favor.’)

But it was never just one favor.

Ice-cold blue eyes stared into his own, mirroring the shock that Peter himself was experiencing.

Skip Westcott stared back at him from across the kitchen. Peter felt like he was going to throw up.

Not sensing Peter’s horror, Steve smiled at them. “Hey, kid! Glad to have you back-”

“You’re dead.” Steve was cut off by Peter’s soft whisper, the shock in the room almost palpable. 

“I killed you. You’re dead! You have to be! How-”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.” Skip cut off Peter’s rising voice, and shot the teen the most bone-chilling look Peter had ever seen.

Hearing his tormentor’s voice for the first time in years broke something in Peter.

The entire room seemed to gasp as Peter grabbed a chef’s knife from the counter and wildly brandished it at the man sitting at the table, ignoring the tears that were now streaming down his own face.

Peter’s entire world was spinning. He couldn’t hear anything other than the pounding of blood in his head, and his vision was cloudy with white spots.

“How did you get in here? How- how are you here? What-”

“Shh, kiddo.” Peter jerked around as a shaking hand placed itself on his back, only to see May standing behind him. He let out a loud sob, and May began to rub soothing circles into his back as he turned back around to see that Bucky had Skip in a headlock. 

It wasn’t until Skip was out of the kitchen and halfway to the holding cells that Peter allowed himself to collapse into May’s arms, the knife dropping to the floor with a loud clatter. 

“Peter, who was that?”

\--------------

Bucky saw red.

Not only had he failed to remember Peter’s rapist, but he had proceeded to allow Steve to bring said trashbag-of-a-human-being to stay in the one place where Peter was supposed to be safe. 

Watching Peter cry was gut-wrenching for Bucky, but what was almost worse was when he stopped crying and told them exactly who it was that they let into the tower.

A lower-level agent who would bring him food and books and magazines, things he wouldn’t otherwise have access to in HYDRA, in return for favors. The blank expression on Peter’s face as he went through everything that had happened made Bucky want to throw up. Or cry. 

The fact that Bucky was in the same compound as Peter when it started happening, that he was right there for the beginning and that it got worse once he left-

It filled him with a kind of rage that he had only felt on a few occasions prior. 

And if Steven Westcott was sporting injuries that were just a bit too severe to come from a simple raid - courtesy of May and Natasha - Fury didn’t say anything about it. 

Tony had pulled enough strings to get the man locked up in the Raft, which Bucky supposed could be viewed as almost poetic. 

After a lengthy interrogation, Shield hadn’t found anything useful about HYDRA, which checked out but was still frustrating. They did find out that HYDRA had made Westcott fake his own death after sustaining serious injuries from an attack made by Peter. They also found out that HYDRA only did that because ‘the way Skip had been using Peter was beginning to interfere with the Spider’s training.’

That was when Bucky had excused himself to go puke his guts out in one of Stark’s ridiculously expensive bathrooms. 

And if he laid there in a heap while Steve pet his hair and whispered nice things in his ear, well, who could blame him? 

“I know, I know. Let it out, Buck.”

Bucky felt like he was losing it, but the thing was, he couldn’t let himself start to spiral. Peter was depending on him, and Bucky sure as hell wasn’t about to let that kid down. Not again.

Because he was such a good kid. He was the kind of kid that, if he was given a normal childhood and not his fucked-up excuse for an upbringing, would have gotten cats out of trees. He would have helped old people cross the street and brought friends home from school. That kid would have loved school as a kid, he was such a little nerd. 

That was why they had to let him experience all of those things. Bucky wanted more than anything to give Peter the normal life he deserved, and he was going to. Peter was only 15 - going on 16 - and Bucky was going to do everything in his power to make sure that the kid was happy. That he was able to have fun and be a kid.

Of course, that was easier said than done, but Peter had been improving a lot over the few weeks he had lived in the tower. 

He was still a bit quiet, which made sense. He would never stay in a room alone with anyone who wasn’t Tony or May, or sometimes Bucky. 

Peter went back to school on a Friday, which was a relief for everyone because he’d have the weekend to rest after what everyone, including Peter, assumed would be a stressful experience. 

Which was why it was kind of worrying when Peter came home and said that his day was ‘good.’

What did that even mean? 

Tony shared his sentiment, but May and Steve ended up having a completely different viewpoint. 

“He means it was good, Buck! It’s normal that he doesn’t want to tell us a lot of details. Healthy, even.”

Bucky pouted at Steve’s upsetting but annoyingly rational response. 

That kid had better have had the best damn first day back at school that it was possible to have. 

Sensing that Bucky was still uneasy, Steve wrapped his arms around the other man. “It’s fine. I’m sure he’ll tell us more later.” 

Peter ended up staying in his room for the rest of the night, which was fine. 

Bucky and Steve had a nice night in. They had eaten dinner in bed and Steve picked a movie, which Bucky ended up not paying attention to at all. 

So why couldn’t he sleep?

It wasn’t as if Bucky was a stranger to lying in their dark room, listening to Steve’s even breathing as his own thoughts were racing too much for him to even dream of falling asleep. 

Groaning in frustration, Bucky rolled out of bed and dragged himself to their bedroom door.

God he was going to be tired tomorrow.

Deciding to ignore that fact, Bucky headed down the hall to the communal kitchen.

Yes, Bucky realizes that he could just grab a snack from the kitchenette near his bedroom and try to go to sleep, but he wants french toast. 

While trying to decide if coffee at 4 in the morning was a bad idea, Bucky froze as he heard the sound of muffled footsteps coming through the door in front of him.

There was someone in the kitchen.

‘Turn back turn back turn back-”

Bucky pushed the door open. No one gets in between him and his french toast. 

The sight of Peter standing in the middle of the kitchen wide-eyed and clutching a glass of water almost made Bucky laugh. 

“Couldn’t sleep, kid?” 

Peter shook his head. “No. Just-”

“-Your head is being loud?” Bucky gave Peter a knowing smile as the kid nodded his head, a bewildered look plastered on his face. 

“Yeah. School, I guess.”

Resisting the urge to interrogate Peter about what was keeping him up, Bucky opened the fridge and grinned triumphantly when he saw that they still had that expensive brioche. 

“Hey, do you want some french toast?” Bucky chuckled at Peter’s shocked expression. “If you’re up at 4, you might as well have some good food.”

Peter simply nodded, and Bucky turned back to the fridge to grab the milk, eggs, and butter. 

This was going to be the best damn french toast the kid has ever tasted. 

“So- uh, you can’t sleep either?”

Bucky looked up from where he was now melting the butter, and shook his head. “No. Happens sometimes.”

After a few moments of awkward silence, Bucky decided to take a risk. “Anything specific keeping you up?”

He directed his attention back to his batter as Peter began to stammer, adding cinnamon and sugar.

“I guess it’s nothing specific? It was just weird going back, you know?”

Bucky hummed in agreement, glancing up from the batter to show Peter that he was listening. 

“Like- seeing my friend Ned was nice, and seeing Michelle was cool too-”

“Who’s Michelle?” As much as Bucky felt bad for interrupting Peter, he was even more curious about this mysterious ‘Michelle’ character.

“She’s a girl from decathlon. I don’t actually know her that well but she’s super smart and she noticed that I was gone and today she was like ‘glad to see you again, Peter’ and- well, I don’t know, she’s just cool and stuff.”

Bucky decided to graciously ignore the fact that Peter most definitely had a crush on the elusive ‘Michelle.’ “It’s great that you have good friends, bud.”

Ew. ‘Bud.’ Who was he, Steve? 

“Yeah! They’re great. Other than that it was pretty stressful though because finals are coming up, and it'll be good to have summer break but I missed some stuff when- yeah.”

Bucky let out a grunt of sympathy, carefully dunking both sides of a slice of brioche into the batter and setting it on the pan, and both Bucky and Peter stood in silence and watched it sizzle for a second.

“You’ll do fine, kid. We, er- Tony, can help you study. And you were always smart.”

Peter smiled at the compliment as Bucky took the first piece of toast off of the frying pan and put another on.

“Yeah. It’s just- it feels really weird, you know? Being around people whose biggest concerns are standardized testing and not like, terrorist organizations or something.”

Oh. Bucky took the second piece of toast off of the stove as he tried to find the words to tell Peter that it would be okay. To tell him that he could be normal, that he didn’t have to worry about HYDRA anymore.

“I get that.” Bucky inwardly groaned at his simple response, and offered Peter one of the pieces of french toast.

“I felt like that for a long time after I got out. Hell, there are days where I still feel like that. Just- you’re not in this fight alone anymore, okay? You have us to help you.”

Bucky took a bite of toast as Peter nodded.

It was some pretty damn good french toast, if he did say so himself. 

“Thanks.”

Bucky looked up from his toast to see Peter’s reddening face. 

“I just- I really appreciate you guys. So thanks.”

A smile creeped onto Bucky’s face as he began to put the dishes he’d used in the sink. They were future Bucky’s problem, or better yet, someone else’s. 

“No problem, kid. You deserve to have a good support system. So, uh- you think you can sleep now?”

“Yeah- yeah. Thanks for the french toast.” The kid’s blush deepend as he made his way back out of the kitchen.

“Good night, Peter.”

Bucky smiled all the way back to his room. Ignoring Steve’s grunt of protest, he climbed back into their bed and had the best damn 2 hours and 47 minutes of sleep he’d ever had.

That kid would be the death of him. 

\--------------

Therapy ended up not being the worst thing in the world, Peter figured.

Sam was nice, and their weekly sessions actually ended up helping a lot. May had ended up moving back into their apartment in Queens, and they had worked out a pretty good system where Peter spent half of his time at the tower and half with May. He was even allowed to patrol as Spider-Man on the days that he stayed at the tower, as long as he followed Mr. Stark’s curfew.

Peter was doing good. 

It was really surprising to him. Not in a million years had Peter ever thought that he would be able to say that he was genuinely doing really good, but he was.

There were still bad days, and there would probably always be bad days, but Peter was getting better at dealing with the bad days when they did appear and try to knock him out of his rhythm like an out of control freight train or a vicious jouster. 

And on the days where he hated that he was alive, the people around him helped. Bucky, Tony, Steve, May, Ned, MJ- they made it all worth it. Because, yeah, life is just a series of terrifying events that knocked all of the air out of his lungs and made him want to curl into a ball, but maybe there could be some good moments in there, too. 

The time was flying by. Once school had let out for the summer, May and Tony had basically been terrorizing him into deciding what to do for his birthday. He hadn’t celebrated his birthday in a while, so it was pretty hard to even know where to start. 

Eventually, Peter decided to invite Ned and MJ to the tower so they could build the new lego Millennium Falcon.

(‘You know who has a similar name-’) 

(‘Shut up, Sam.’)

Ned was beyond ecstatic, and MJ agreed to come too after rolling her eyes and informing Ned and Peter that they were, in fact, nerds. 

She had a soft smile on her face though, so Peter knew she wasn’t being serious. 

It was going to be fun. 

So why was he so nervous?

“Lighten up, kid. It’s your birthday!”

Peter whipped around in his seat, and smiled when he saw that it was Bucky who had waltzed into the room, an obnoxious party hat resting atop his head. 

“My birthday isn’t for a few days. And seriously, party hats?” Despite his harsh tone, Peter grinned. 

“Yeah, well, courtesy of Sam. Besides, it’s a big one! You’re turning sixteen!” 

Peter scoffed as Bucky shot him a comically wide smile, accompanied with jazz hands. 

“Just- oh shit, they’re here.”

Typing out a quick reply to Ned and throwing his phone back into his pocket, Peter raced to the elevator to meet Ned and MJ. The faint shout of ‘language!’ coming from the kitchen was most definitely ignored. 

Peter beamed as the elevator doors opened to reveal his two best friends. 

“Peter!”

Ned offered his hand, and Peter engaged in what was only the most awesome secret handshake ever invented, decidedly ignoring the fact that MJ was shaking her head in mock disappointment beside them. 

“You’re both such nerds.” 

Ned shot her a playful smile. “You still love us.”

“I can neither confirm nor deny that statement.”

Giggling, Peter led them over to the carpet that already had all of the legos strewn across it. 

“Okay. This is a big task, so we’re going to have to delegate.”

Peter and MJ both gave him the most serious nods they could muster. 

“I’ll start the base, you and MJ can work on the infrastructure. 

And so they began their task.

Listening to his friends’ ramblings about ‘no, this goes here,’ and ‘yo have it upside-down, here- it goes like this,’ Peter couldn’t help but let his mind drift.

He’d grown so much over the past year. He had friends he could depend on, and a whole support system of adults who cared about his well-being. For the first time in a long time, Peter felt alive. He felt happy that he was here to share experiences with the people that he loved, and who loved him back. 

He felt like he might be okay. 

Like, maybe he wasn’t okay all the time, but he would be eventually. He was getting better.

Maybe this is okay. Maybe he could be okay.

The almost-sixteen year old looked around the room for a second. 

He saw Steve and Bucky, both off in their own little world but still staring fondly back at him. He saw Natasha and Sam, who were scanning the room with their eyes as they chatted about who knows what. He saw Tony, who was sitting at a table, trying and failing to appear disinterested in what the kids were making.

May, who loved him with all of his faults instead of despite them. 

His friends, who were talking, laughing, and frantically searching for specific lego pieces. 

Looking at the scene, Peter had a realization.

This was exactly where he wanted to be.

He was finally doing almost... good? As terrifying as it was to admit to himself, that was exactly how he had wanted to feel for so long.

He wouldn’t trade this for the world. He wouldn’t trade them for the world.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> That's the end.
> 
> If you have made it this far, thank you so much. Please let me know what you think, comments still make my day :)
> 
> Is there anything else you'd like to see from me? I've been entertaining the possibility for a sequel to this because I don't know what to do with myself now that this is finished, but I don't know if I'll end up writing one. Still, let me know if that's something you'd be interested in seeing, or in general anything else you'd be interested in reading. 
> 
> I made a Tumblr (which I don't use at all, so it's literally empty) so if you feel like it, come talk to me! It's [Astro_cat13](https://astro-cat13.tumblr.com), feel free to go share prompts or future stuff you'd like to see, or thoughts about this work or just ask questions.
> 
> I guess that's it from me. Thanks again for supporting me through the process of writing this, I genuinely appreciate it. Bye, guys.


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